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Recognizing Problems Caused by Pornography

Posted on January 18, 2022 by Wendy Maltz - Porn Problem Recovery

“Porn didn’t appear dangerous like other ‘bad habits.’ With gambling, you eventually run out of money. With drug use, you eventually degenerate, can’t function, and become physically ill. Porn didn’t impair my driving or do things like that. I didn’t see it as consequential. There were limited physical side effects. So porn didn’t concern me. I wasn’t worried about it. I thought I had done a really good job of compartmentalizing my habit. I kept it over there behind this wall, with the door closed and the lights off. Sure there were a few muffled sounds, but I refused to see that it was causing problems. When my life fell apart and I lost my wife and job because of porn, no one saw it coming — least of all me.”
Rick, a forty-two-year-old former porn user

Like Rick, many people who get sexually involved with porn have difficulty recognizing its downside. They may rationalize continuing to use porn by telling themselves it is “just harmless visual stimulation,” “safer than having a real affair,” or “something everyone is doing.” Rick justified his porn use by telling himself he could quit whenever he wanted to. “I thought of porn as fun entertainment,” he said, “just a little something I deserved, because I worked so hard.” Unfortunately, his rationalizations couldn’t save him when his marriage deteriorated because of his emotional distancing and dishonesty due to his porn use, and later when he was caught using porn at work.

Looking back on how porn eventually altered his thinking and his behavior to such a degree that it put everything he valued in jeopardy, Rick wished he had paid more attention to the “muffled sounds” and early warning signs that indicated porn was harming his life. “I learned the hard way how powerful porn can be,” he said. “It can be as compelling and life-altering as any hard drug. If only I’d seen what was happening and gotten help before I let it hurt me. I’m sharing my story now because I want to spare other people the pain I went through.”

While some people go through life using porn without it affecting them in any serious negative way, a growing number are reporting problems. For instance, of the estimated 40 million people who regularly access Internet porn in the US, as many as half self-report some type of negative consequences. And 8 to 15% of regular porn users describe their porn use as compulsive and having a significantly harmful impact on their lives.

A powerful product

Porn today is more prevalent and potent than the porn of the past. Since Playboy magazine was launched in 1952, pornography has gone through many transformations that have made it more available, private, affordable, action-oriented, and extreme. A teenager today can see more porn in five minutes over the Internet than his grandpa saw in his whole life. And much of the content that was considered “hardcore” twenty years ago is tame when compared to the anything-goes, extreme images that are just a click of the mouse away on a computer.

Whether or not porn creates serious problems depends to a large extent on how much, how often, and under what circumstances a person is using porn; the type of porn involved, and the emotional impact of porn use on an intimate partner. For example, compulsively and secretively masturbating to violent, degrading or child pornography has the potential to cause more serious consequences than, say, occasionally watching erotic films with a lover in which the material being viewed is mutually acceptable and is being used as a prelude to sexual intimacy.

Serious consequences

Porn can be as powerfully addictive as using hard drugs. It creates a triple feel-good cocktail. It can sexually excite, create a fantasy escape, and through orgasm facilitate a feeling of relaxation. Like a drug, regular porn use can alter brain and body chemistry, create a dependency on it, and lead to withdrawal effects when a person tries to quit. Today’s high-tech, push-the-button delivery systems, such as computers, cable television, and cell phones, add to porn’s addictive potential by presenting stimulating game-like ways to instantly contact an unlimited amount of it.

Using porn can also be as destructive as having an affair. In 2003, the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers reported that compulsive Internet use had played a significant role in divorces in the past year, and over 50 percent of those cases involved pornography. Eight years prior, pornography had an almost nonexistent role in divorce. A large percentage of female partners of porn users are disgusted by porn, see it as disrespectful and degrading to women, or consider private porn use as “cheating.”

Besides having a strong potential to create addiction and relationship problems, using porn can significantly harm a person’s sexuality. Contrary to the popular myth that porn use will enhance a sexual relationship, a third of all men say regular porn use makes sex with a real-life partner less arousing. Over time, porn directs sexual energy and desires away from sexual closeness with a real-life partner, and toward itself. And, it also can bend and shape sexual interests in directions toward risky, unloving, harmful, and illegal sexual behaviors, further compromising the porn user’s health and welfare.

Porn use can also damage a person’s mental health, physical well-being, family life, self-esteem, social relationships, and work. As their emotional and sexual attachment to porn deepens, many porn users become more self-centered, defensive about, and preoccupied with porn. They may lie to cover up porn use and pull away from friends and family. Sleep disorders and other health problems can emerge. Emotional problems include feeling irritable and quick to anger, experiencing increased feelings of anxiety, depression, guilt, shame and self-loathing. The consequences of a porn habit can eventually spill into harming a person’s work life and career. Two out of three companies discipline employees for misusing the Internet at work, and pornography is the cause in over 40 percent of these cases.

(For a more detailed list of potential problems caused by porn see our free poster download, “The Hazards of Porn”. You may also want to refer to Chapter Four in The Porn Trap: The Essential Guide to Overcoming Problems Caused by Pornography for a fuller explanation of the negative consequences of porn.)

Has porn become a problem for you?

If you are a porn user, the following “Problems Caused by Porn Checklist” can help you determine whether or in what ways porn use may be negatively impacting your life. This inventory list can serve as a beginning step in self-evaluation. Although some of these items may be attributed to factors and influences other than porn use, the more items you check, the more significantly porn may be causing, or threatening to cause, problems for you. We recommend you discuss your answers and concerns about pornography with a health care professional in your local area.

Problems Caused by Porn Checklist

Circle each number next to an item with which you agree:

I lie to protect my porn use.
I am spending large amounts of time thinking about or using porn.
I have become self-absorbed and self-centered.
I feel alienated from family, friends, and/or an intimate partner.
I feel guilty about using porn.
I am filled with shame and self-loathing about my porn use.
I am often angry and irritated with others.
I have diminished integrity and self-worth.
I am not getting enough sleep and/or I am sleeping poorly.
I maintain hidden stashes of porn that could get me in trouble if found.
I am unable to feel good unless I use porn.
I feel depressed much of the time.
I feel stressed and anxious much of the time.
I can’t stop myself from sexually objectifying other people.
I have difficulty establishing or maintaining an intimate sexual relationship.
I am often afraid of having my porn use discovered.
I am engaging in sexually compulsive or addictive behavior.
I have difficulty managing and/or limiting my porn use.
I ignore or fail to complete house, job or school responsibilities.
I have compromised my school, career and work opportunities because of porn.
I neglect family and/or important social relationships.
I am exposing minors to pornography or contributing to possible exposure.
I am unable to be completely honest with my intimate partner.
I become defensive when confronted about porn activities.
I am using porn even though I know it bothers my partner (or someone else).
I have difficulty becoming or staying sexually aroused with a real partner.
I have difficulty distinguishing between sexual fantasy and reality.

Porn recovery

As with other health concerns, the sooner a person is able to recognize problems and get help, the easier it is to address them. It is crucially important to move out of social isolation and shame and talk with someone you trust about what’s going on. Recovery involves admitting the problem, seeking out support for making healthy changes, addressing the problems porn has created and learning new, healthier approaches to sex and relationship intimacy. Our book, The Porn Trap, offers many ideas for accomplishing these goals and provides a roadmap to successful healing and long-term recovery.

Quitting porn is not easy. It can feel similar to giving up a drug habit or leaving an established sexual relationship with an intimate partner. Success occurs for people who get clear on life priorities, secure a strong support system and develop strategies for dealing effectively with porn cravings and desires. People who are in couple relationships often benefit from working together with their partner to rebuild trust and learn new approaches to sex. In time, it is possible to overcome the hold porn may have on you. As Rick said, “Since I’ve stopped using pornography I feel better about myself mentally and sexually. Porn’s no longer ruling my life. I’m more confident and optimistic about my future.”

Exploring Women’s Sexual Fantasies

Posted on January 18, 2022 by Wendy Maltz - Understanding Sexual Fantasies

“I’m in a candlelit bedroom wearing a dark green negligee with spaghetti straps. The door opens, and I gasp to see the gorgeous Hawaiian man whose flashing black eyes met mine earlier that day in the hotel lobby . . . I wait, my downcast eyes catching a glimpse of his snakeskin boots as he steps behind me. He begins kissing and stroking my neck and shoulders . . .”

This isn’t a page from the latest romance novel, the climax of an erotic thriller or an entry from Madonna’s diary. It’s one of the many exciting sexual fantasies I heard when I interviewed more than 100 diverse women for my book, Private Thoughts: Exploring the Power of Women’s Sexual Fantasies (New World Library, 2001/2012 Kindle; BookSurge 2008) coauthored with journalist, Suzie Boss.

Sexual fantasizing is a natural, universal psychological phenomenon similar to dreaming. And while nearly all women report having sexual fantasies, few women talk openly about their most private erotic thoughts. The women in our study ranged in age from 19 to 66 years old and came from a variety of ethnic backgrounds and life experiences. The material they provide helps all women gain insight into the nature, purpose, and significance of their sexual fantasies. Many women have a natural curiosity about the topic and want help for answering such basic questions as:

“Are my fantasies normal?”
“Where do my sexual fantasies come from?”
“Will fantasies help or harm my relationship?”
“Do fantasies reveal my true sexual desires?”

By breaking the silence and shame surrounding sexual fantasies, women are able to learn from each other’s experiences as we have with other intimate topics such as breast cancer, sexual abuse, menstruation, and sexual pleasure. Taking a closer look at our sexual fantasies allows us to understand ourselves better, improve our sex lives, and enhance our intimate relationships.

A new definition of women’s sexual fantasies

By listening to women describe their sexual fantasies, we have found that fantasies are more varied and exist in a wider range than previous research had documented. Women tell of fantasies that range from fleeting thoughts–Denzel Washington’s lips, Al Pacino’s eyes, the scent of a former lover’s cologne, or a sensuous riff from a saxophone–to lengthy sexual scenarios that would play well on the silver screen. Imagery ranges from fantasies that evoke the soft, moody light of perfume ads to explicit sex scenes that mimic hard-core pornography. In addition, women are not limited to experiencing one type of fantasy. Individual women frequently report many different sexual fantasies.

Although women’s fantasies are most often consistent with their sexual orientation, some women describe fantasies that seem to be at odds with their stated orientation. For example, some heterosexual women say they entertain fantasies about female bodies, while some lesbian women describe fantasies about male genitals, penetration, or aggressively masculine sexual energy. Rather than causing confusion, these cross-over fantasies often bring pleasure to women who are secure in their sexual orientations. “It’s about celebrating my femaleness,” shared one heterosexual woman. And a lesbian woman said, “Imagining a man’s eager sexual energy helps me initiate lovemaking with my woman partner.”

To accommodate this expansive description of fantasies, we arrived at a new definition that is broad enough to encompass the wide range of women’s experiences with sexual fantasies. According to this definition, sexual fantasy includes all sexual thoughts and images that alter emotions, sensations, or physiological state. These thoughts are labeled as sexual either because they have an erotic effect, or because they include images commonly associated with sex.

Common types of women’s sexual fantasies

Although women’s fantasies vary widely in content and are as unique and original as dreams, they can be divided into two general types: scripted and unscripted. Scripted fantasies involve characters and follow a narrative plot, much like a traditional story. We ask women to describe the plot from the point of view of the fantasy character with whom they most closely identify. Why? Putting yourself at the center of your own fantasies helps you to make observations about relationship dynamics and often reveals information about the sexual stimulation you find most erotic.

The most common roles women see themselves playing in their scripted sexual fantasies are:

Pretty Maiden: gets aroused by being the object of another’s desire
Wild Woman: initiates sexual activity and enjoys breaking taboos
Beloved: enjoys an intimate connection with a lover of equal power
Victim: imagines being the object of sexual humiliation or violence
Dominatrix: exercises sexual domination over another
Voyeur: enjoys watching others engage in sexual activity

Unscripted fantasies, in contrast, focus on sensory stimuli or images and do not follow a traditional storyline or involve characters. Although the contents of unscripted fantasies also vary widely, they often focus on images of tension building and releasing, mimicking the sexual response cycle. Unscripted fantasies may highlight a particular type of sensory stimulation such as sight, sound, feel, movement, or scent. One woman said she climaxed while picturing a train cresting a hill, and another woman was aroused by imagining being on a horse galloping at high speed. Unscripted fantasies often include scenes from nature, such as a flower opening from bud to blossom, then releasing its perfume, or storm clouds building in intensity, then spilling their water. Until they put them into words, many women don’t realize their unscripted fantasies are a valid, powerful, and often quite original form of sexual fantasy.

Enjoying the power of sexual fantasy

Like dreams, some sexual fantasies are fun and satisfying while others may trouble us a lot. The more you know about sexual fantasies, the more options you have about what types of sexual fantasies you entertain.

Private Thoughts guides readers through a process of fantasy exploration. It offers a unique opportunity to learn from the experiences of a diverse population of real women. You will get insight into how early experiences and cultural images may have influenced your private sexual fantasies in profound and lasting ways. You will learn how sexual fantasies can have many functions–from increasing sexual arousal and facilitating orgasm to improving self-esteem and enhancing intimacy with a partner. If you are troubled by unwanted sexual fantasies that may be the result of sexual abuse or unresolved psychological issues, Private Thoughts provides a number of effective healing techniques. It also offers guidelines for exploring fantasies with an intimate partner in a way that will enhance, rather than harm, a relationship.

Sexual fantasy is not a topic to be afraid of or silent about. “As we know ourselves better,” one woman shared, “we become more free to celebrate our natural erotic rhythms with whatever thoughts quicken our pulses and please our hearts.”

Creating New Sexual Fantasies

Posted on January 17, 2022 by Wendy Maltz - Understanding Sexual Fantasies

Whether we’re aware of it or not, like dreams, our sexual fantasies change all the time. For example, you may watch a sexy scene in a movie in the afternoon and then find it slipping into your thoughts later on when you are resting, self-pleasuring or making love. Or a conversation with a friend about an old flame may result in that person showing up in your fantasies.

The specifics of how our sexual fantasies play out can also be easily influenced by the different types of sexual media we come in contact with. Someone who watches a lot of pornography may find their fantasies filled with the images they’ve seen on screen. Someone who reads lots of hot, sexy romance novels may discover that their erotic thoughts mimic and replay the descriptions they have read. If you’re not exposed to much erotic media, your fantasies will probably be more inspired by your own past sexual experiences and your imagination.

During my research and clinical work on sexual fantasy for my book, Private Thoughts, I was intrigued to discover that many people are drawn to sexual fantasies that in some way recreate the excitement they felt when they were young and first became aware of their own sexual arousal. One woman told me that her sexual awakening happened when she sat on a jet of water in a hot tub when she was twelve. Today, her sexual fantasies often feature rushing waters and humming sounds. Many people told me that the themes and images they saw in pornographic videos (and magazines for some older folks) as inquisitive teenagers still play a role in their sexual thoughts today.

A two-step process

It makes sense that our early exposures and experiences impact how our minds create our sexual fantasies. Fantasizing relies on a two-step process:

Step 1: Entertaining a specific thought, and,

Step 2: Combining that thought with pleasurable genital stimulation.

Sometimes it’s the thoughts that trigger the pleasurable sensations and sometimes it’s the sensations that trigger the specific thoughts. Either way, the two become strongly linked together over time. And when these thought-sensation combinations are repeated and result in all the feel-good chemicals released during orgasm, the fantasy is powerfully strengthened. An orgasm is one of the biggest reinforcers possible in the human experience.

Even though our sexual fantasies are forming and changing on their own, without much conscious awareness on our part, there are times and circumstances when you might want to play a more active role in what you fantasize about. Perhaps you want to:

experience more fun and pleasure
feel less inhibited in how you think and behave sexually
experience novelty and sexual variation in a safe way
be more sexually expressive and creative
move away from disturbing and unwanted sexual fantasies
increase sexual attraction and desire for a current partner

Creating new sexual fantasies is a process that takes time, but you can take steps – small and large – to have more control over what plays out in your erotic imagination. For example, you can spend a few minutes contemplating the ideas, feelings, and sensations that turn you on. Or you can write (on paper or just mentally) your own sexual fantasy story, with detailed sexual scenarios and characters. There are many types of sexual fantasies possible, so options are as wide and diverse as you want to go in your imagination. In general, it is a good idea to focus on themes and interactions that leave you feeling good. Give yourself permission to stop sexual thoughts and imagery you don’t like and shift your thinking to ideas and images that you like better. Keep in mind that sexual fantasies lose power when they are no longer coupled with genital stimulation, and they gain and maintain power, when they are.

Sexual fantasizing happens in a semi-dreamlike state – in which we are entranced by thoughts, as well as sensations. The idea of exercising a degree of conscious choice and control may seem counterintuitive. But, like with many pleasurable experiences, such as painting, cooking, and creating music, sexual fantasizing involves blending both conscious and unconscious experience. Your “masterpiece” at the end might not turn out exactly as you expected, but if it brings you pleasure, that’s all that matters. And don’t freak out if strange or surprising ideas pop into your mind on occasion, like with any creative and imaginative endeavor, this can sometimes happen.

Ideas for inspiring new sexual fantasies:

1. Use a sexual dream you enjoyed as a jumping-off point. Replay the dream in your mind, savoring the sexy and sensual parts.

2. Recall a previous enjoyable sexual experience. Focus on as many details as possible: what was said, where you were, how your partner’s skin felt, how you both moved, etc.

3. Identify the sensory elements such as sight, sound, and touch that you find most erotic and include them in your fantasizing.

4. Imagine your partner (or future partner) is touching you and caressing you on all the favorite places on your body. Take it further and imagine they willing to pleasure you any way you want.

5. Put yourself into a movie or novel you find sexy. Imagine yourself as one or more of the characters.

6. Put yourself in a different kind of role. If you envision yourself normally as passive, think active. If you’re active, imagine passive.

7. Imagine sex from a different perspective (Being outside the action as a voyeur or engaged in the action as an active participant)

8. Imagine having sex with an ideal lover or in an ideal setting

Remember, creating conscious sexual fantasies is a fun, experimental process. You write the script, play the film in your head, and maybe leave a few scenes on the editing floor if they don’t work out. You can be the director of your sexual thoughts and create a world of pleasure and sensuality just for you or for you and a partner.

Note: For more on this topic, Private Thoughts devotes a whole chapter to creating new sexual fantasies.

Healing Unwanted Sexual Fantasies

Posted on January 17, 2022 by Wendy Maltz - Featured, Understanding Sexual Fantasies

“Look closer to heal” is the main message in this article for people who are troubled by unwanted sexual fantasies. Here you will find information about upsetting fantasies—where they come from, why they exist—as well as how to reduce their power, explore their meaning, and change them if that is your goal.

Sexual fantasies are universal

Like dreaming, sexual fantasizing is a natural and normal part of being human. Approximately 95 percent of men and women report having sexual fantasies. Sexual fantasies occur during daydreaming, masturbation, and sexual activity with a partner. For most people, sexual fantasizing is a healthy aspect of being sexually alive. Fantasies reduce anxiety while increasing sexual interest and enjoyment. They can function in many positive ways, such as by stimulating sex drive, improving self-esteem, and enhancing intimacy with a partner. People report that their most satisfying sexual fantasies are arousing, fun, and within their conscious control.

When fantasies are disturbing

Many people are bothered by fantasies that intrude on sexual experiences like unwanted guests at a party. These fantasies are upsetting because they do not feel optional and within one’s control. They often contain erotic thoughts and images that are disturbing to the person having the fantasy. For example, a person may be upset by a fantasy that involves hurtful sexual activities or sex with a person they dislike. Unwanted sexual fantasies are also disturbing in that people may become dependent on them for arousal and sexual release. Being stuck with a troubling fantasy is definitely not fun. These unwelcome and unwanted erotic thoughts are the nightmares of sexual fantasies.

If left untreated, unwanted sexual fantasies can cause many problems. They can lower self-esteem, lead to risky sexual behavior, cause sexual functioning problems, and harm intimacy with a partner.

Where fantasies come from and what they mean

Unwanted sexual fantasies often result from upsetting relationships and disturbing sexual experiences one had in the past. Similar to nightmares, unwanted sexual fantasies often represent unconscious attempts to resolve feelings that resulted from experiences of human aggression, betrayal, abandonment, and exploitation. They temporarily help people escape from emotions that inhibit sexual functioning, such as such as fear, anger, shame, and powerlessness.

Not surprisingly, a large number of people who were sexually victimized in the past report being troubled by unwanted sexual fantasies. (See The Sexual Healing Journey) One research study found that females who have been molested tend to have more fantasies of being forced or dominated, than their non-abused peers. And the more extreme and violent the abuse, the more likely a survivor of sexual abuse will have sexual fantasies of being forced in sex or forcing someone else in sex.

How to get rid of unwanted sexual fantasies

A number of effective techniques now exist for helping men and women get rid of sexual fantasies they find disturbing. These techniques are described in Wendy’s book, Private Thoughts: Exploring the Power of Women’s Sexual Fantasies. They include:

Analyzing the fantasy

This strategy involves looking closely at the contents of an unwanted sexual fantasy from many angles until a person finds what core confusion or unresolved emotional issue it represents. Specific techniques may include drawing or diagramming the fantasy and exploring the characters, plot, themes, and relationships it contains.

Reducing the need for fantasy

This strategy involves identifying and practicing those things that make a person less susceptible to a fantasy’s intrusion. One way to accomplish this is to reduce stress by setting aside more time for sexual experiences. Another is to remove the pressure to climax in a sexual encounter and focus instead on sensual pleasuring and emotional closeness. Increasing sexual stimulation through other means such as deep breathing, erotic movement, and unpressured foreplay can also help.

Disrupting the function

In this strategy, a person seriously interferes with the ability of the unwanted sexual fantasy to arouse. Usually, this involves stopping sexual activity whenever the fantasy is present and only resuming activity when one feels relaxed and able to be present in sex without it. Rendered ineffectual, the fantasy eventually becomes extinct.

Transforming the fantasy

This strategy involves bending the contents of the fantasy to reflect healthy dynamics in sexual relations. Details in the fantasy changed. Negative elements are slowly replaced by more positive images and ideas. Bondage with ropes becomes bondage with big spaghetti noodles. Sex between a minor and an older adult becomes sex between two adults of differing ages, and so forth. The key to transforming an unwanted sexual fantasy is to maintain erotic sensory elements while shifting towards healthier conditions for sexuality. (See The CERTS Model for Healthy Sex)

Healing unwanted sexual fantasies allows a person to free their sexuality from burdensome emotional conflicts related to the past. When sexual fantasies are fun and optional people are able to enjoy them in new ways – ways that enhance self-esteem, intimacy, and sensual pleasure.

(To learn more about the power of erotic thoughts and healing unwanted sexual fantasies see Private Thoughts: Exploring the Power of Women’s Sexual Fantasies, coauthored with Suzie Boss and published in 2007 by BookSurge and available in a Kindle edition by New World Library.)

Fascinating Facts about Sexual Fantasies

Posted on January 14, 2022 by Wendy Maltz - Featured, Understanding Sexual Fantasies

Sexual fantasy is like any other area of human sexual experience — the more you know about it, the more comfortable and relaxed you are considering what role, if any, you want it to play in your life.

This checklist is a great way to test, and increase, your knowledge about sexual fantasies. If you’re in a relationship, consider making it a fun exercise by taking turns responding to each item. The checklist can help open discussion and create mutual understandings that in turn can enhance your sexual experiences.

Did you know this?

__ 1. Nearly all men and women sexually fantasize.

__ 2. Sexual thoughts occur in daydreaming, masturbation, and during sexual activity with a partner.

__ 3. Sexual fantasy is enabled by the hormone testosterone.

__ 4. Sexual fantasies range from fleeting sensory thoughts to highly developed sexual scenarios that play like porn movies or scenes in romance novels.

__ 5. Some people employ a little fantasy in sex while others employ a lot.

__ 6. Some sexual fantasies are intentionally created or recalled to enhance arousal, while others spontaneously arise as products of the excitation and trance state induced by sexual arousal.

__ 7. Sometimes sexual fantasies can be so powerful they produce an orgasm with no physical stimulation.

__ 8. Sexual fantasies vary from being a random, inconsequential form of entertainment – fun fluff – to being very specific, emotionally profound, and psychologically impactful.

__ 9. Like dreams, sexual fantasies can reflect unconscious desires, fears, curiosities, regrets, challenges, and needs.

__ 10. The inner world of sexual fantasy is like an imaginary playground where erotic thoughts can run wild, free from social condemnation, and harmful consequences.

__ 11. Like dreams, sexual fantasies have subconscious elements, themes, symbols, functions, that when explored, may have little to do with sex.

__ 12. Sexual fantasies can be easily influenced and shaped by actual sexual experiences, as well as by the sexual imagery and ideas found in books, television, movies, magazines, and pornography.

__ 13. In general, sexual fantasies help to increase sexual arousal while decreasing sexual anxiety.

__ 14. Sexual fantasies can function in a variety of ways that go beyond simply increasing sexual arousal. For example, they can enhance self-esteem, rehearse possibilities, recall fond memories, satisfy curiosities, facilitate relaxation, help cope with past trauma, and more.

__ 15. Like with dreams, it is up to the person who creates the sexual fantasy to determine what it means and how it is impacting their lives.

__ 16. People describe a sexual fantasy as problematic for numerous reasons, such as when it decreases their self-esteem, conflicts with personal values, interferes with being sensually present, decreases intimacy with a partner, encourages risky and harmful activity, and more.

__ 17. Like with nightmares, some sexual fantasies are troublesome and cause continuing distress until they can be psychologically examined, understood, and changed.

__ 18. It’s helpful when both people in a relationship are educated about sexual fantasies before sharing and discussing them, to avoid misunderstandings about what they mean.

__ 19. People can be disappointed when acting out a sexual fantasy because in real life, unlike in the realm of fantasy, it’s impossible to control and choreograph all factors, elements, and repercussions of the sexual experience.

__ 20. In general, sexual fantasy is a magnificent human capability that serves as a powerful aide and pleasurable accompaniment to sexual experience.

Communications Guidelines

Posted on January 14, 2022 by jack - Sex & Love

Good communication is crucial to healthy sexual relating. You can greatly increase feelings of mutual respect, emotional closeness, and sexual pleasure when you and your partner communicate well with each other. Knowing how to talk openly and comfortably helps you solve sexual problems that come up from time to time in the normal course of an on-going intimate relationship.

Be patient with yourself and your partner as you work to develop new communication skills. It takes time and a lot of practice to open up emotionally and discuss personal topics in safe and sensitive ways.

Healthy Sex Communications Guidelines

Both partners need to make a commitment to engage in a discussion about intimate concerns.
Choose a quiet time for discussion when you are not likely to be interrupted. Give your undivided attention to being with your partner.
Sit reasonably close to each other and maintain eye contact. Be aware of the tone and volume of your voice.
Avoid blaming, name-calling, accusations and sarcasm.
Deal with only one issue at a time.
State specifically and clearly what you feel and need. Use “I statements”, rather than “you statements.” (Example: Say “I felt rejected when you didn’t want to hug last night” rather than “You’re so cold; the way you treat me is cruel.”)
Maintain an optimistic perspective that change is possible. Avoid bringing up resentments from the distant past. Refrain from using the words “always” or “never”.
Listen to your partner. Strive to understand each other’s feelings and needs. Communicate that understanding to your partner. (You can communicate understanding and still have a different opinion or perspective than your partner).
When discussing sexual intimacy concerns, keep in mind that partners are apt to feel scared, embarrassed, or hurt. Emphasize what you like and what works well before making a new request or discussing something that bothers you.
Avoid getting sidetracked on irrelevant issues; “It happened last summer.” “No, it was the summer before.” Refrain from “I’m right, you’re wrong” arguments.
Explore and discuss various options for change. Work together to brainstorm how individual needs can be met and feelings addressed more effectively. Make the issue the “problem”, not each other.
See intimate problems as a normal, natural part of a relationship. Turn them into opportunities to learn and grow as a couple.
If you and your partner agree to a solution to the problem, try it out, then plan to discuss in the near future how the solution is working for both of you.
Give yourselves permission to table discussion of an issue if you feel no progress is being made. You each may get new insights and understandings thinking about it independently. Make sure you resume discussion within several days.
Seek professional help when needed. Don’t allow unresolved sexual issues to fester and erode your positive feelings for each other.

Sexual Love Poetry

Posted on January 14, 2022 by Wendy Maltz - Featured, Sex & Love

Positive sexual images and ideas can be hard to find. Here are some poems from Wendy Maltz’s bestselling poetry anthologies and some of her favorite quotes on healthy sexuality.

In the early 1990’s sex and relationship therapist Wendy Maltz began a search to find examples of healthy sexual intimacy to share with couples who wanted to learn more. She scoured films, video selections, popular books, and magazines for images that portrayed sex as mutually enjoyable, socially responsible, and physically safe.

Wendy was shocked at how few examples of healthy sex she could find. It wasn’t until she began sifting through and collecting poetry that she discovered “heartcore” poems; poems in which heart connection is at the core of the sexual experience.

Wendy’s quest for healthy sex descriptions eventually lead her to compile and edit two award-winning poetry anthologies: Passionate Hearts: The Poetry of Sexual Love and Intimate Kisses: The Poetry of Sexual Pleasure. These collections inspire and celebrate healthy sexual intimacy.

WOMAN BATHING

by Raymond Carver

Natches River. Just below the falls.
Twenty miles from any town. A day
of dense sunlight
heavy with odors of love.
How long have we?
Already your body, sharpness of Picasso,
is drying in this highland air.
I towel down your back, your hips,
with my undershirt.
Time is a mountain lion.
We laugh at nothing,
and as I touch your breasts
even the ground-
squirrels
are dazzled.

DESIRE

by Connemara Wadsworth

Taking off
my clothes
piece by piece,
I turn to you,
unwrap my body,
feel you trace
its contours
with your fingers.
I am accustomed
to covering,
what I now bare,
watch you waken
and wash me
with your eyes.
I feel the cloth
of your skin,
uncovered,
inviting me in,
feel your breath
warm in my ear.
I lean closer
into you, feel
your blood surge
as you hold me
and I echo
the beat pulling
on us as I wrap
my legs around you
and open as morning
glories do
when the sun
warms them.

TWIN FLAMES

by James Broughton

Embers of night flare up afresh
when you ignite the morning in my arms
and kindle the familiar hearth of love

Year after year we have warmed our lives
around the mystery of mutual fire
that heats our domain of risk and rapture

Whenever scorched however scarred
we hearten heal reconflagrate
Twin flames ever in blissful blaze.

from Intimate Kisses:

THE ENJOYMENT

by Anon

Ye gods! the raptures of that night!
What fierce convulsions of delight!
How in each other’s arms involved
We lay confounded and dissolved!
Bodies mingling, sexes blending,
Which should be most lost contending,
Darting fierce and flaming kisses,
Plunging into boundless blisses,
Our bodies and our souls on fire,
Tossed by a tempest of desire
Till with utmost fury driven
Down, at once, we sunk to heaven.

AFTER NEW HAMPSHIRE

by Rosemary Klein

Folded into each other,
origami hearts, love
knots. Each time
I never believe
we will get any closer.
Afternoon lowers
her eyes as dusk
steals across the vision
of us, still touching.
Silk light.
Silk laughter.
My body floods
its boundaries.
You hold me through
each shudder, each
moan, my head tucked
into your chest, my legs
wrapped around your body,
my body filled with light,
my body light. Past
freedom and individuality
and the delight of my own
opinions, beyond serenity
and rock n’ roll, there is
happiness and I have found
its natural habitat beneath
your kiss and only
in your arms.

LOVE POEM

by Sarah Brown Weitzman

From here those slaps of color unravel
form you said and stepped back
from the Monet to see the separate strokes
fall into water and lilies again.
Shards of light take the eye to blossoms
pale as breasts. Sky, leaf, water, flower
merge and waver, blur then clear
as each takes something from the other
to reflect or repeat so that not a single
moment is preserved but several.

Later in the splay of late afternoon
we repeat that painting.
The spread blooms of our bodies
blend and shift and merge again until
we know as Monet knew in the crystal rush
of water over the sun-glazed lilies
the radiance of an instant.

Cultivating Qualities of Healthy Sex

Posted on January 14, 2022 by Wendy Maltz - Featured, Sex & Love

A great place to start in your journey toward healthy sexuality. This article includes a checklist to help you identify and explore the healthy sex principles and qualities you already have in play, as well as ones you’d like to acquire and develop further.

How we think about sex makes a difference in our ability to create and enjoy healthy sexual relationships.

In the early years of my career as a sex and relationship therapist, I gave workshops in which participants brainstormed positive qualities of sex. The ideas they shared impressed me so much so that for fun I designed and created a nightshirt that featured them written in a rainbow banner on the front. The nightshirt became a popular item at psychology conferences, especially for survivors of sexual abuse and others who wanted an easy way to replace old negative attitudes about sex with new positive ones. The selling point for the nightshirt was “Heal as you sleep.” While the nightshirt has come and gone, the qualities of healthy sex live on forever.

Learning about and cultivating these qualities can help you ensure that they are present in your sexual interactions. As you read the qualities below, identify which ones are present and true in your sexual relating and which ones you would like to cultivate and make stronger. If you identify qualities that are often lacking, you may want to concentrate on learning more about them and integrating these qualities into your lovemaking in the future.

Healthy sex is . . .

having choice
nurturing
built on trust
playful
loving myself
respectful
being honest
physically safe
feeling ready
caring
warmth
laughter
socially responsible
fun
shared intimacy
something I deserve
being friends
comfortable
expressing love
being equal partners
mutually desired
celebration
feeling good
honoring my pace
sensual touches
private
arousing
being patient
relaxing
open communication
enjoyable
satisfying
good memories
_______________ for me!

Sexual Healing from Sexual Abuse

Posted on August 30, 2021 by Wendy Maltz - Featured

“I hate sex. It feels like invasion of myself and my body by someone else. Life would be great if no one ever expected me to be sexual again.” – Tina, raped by her father as a child

“My penis and my heart feel disconnected. I use sex as a way to blot out pain when I’m feeling down. Masturbation is a lot easier than having sex with my wife. She wants a lot of kissing and hugging and I’m uncomfortable with all that closeness.” – Jack, molested by a neighbor as a young teen

Like Tina and Jack, many survivors of sexual abuse suffer from a variety of sexual problems. And it’s no wonder. Sexual abuse is not only a betrayal of human trust and affection, but it is, by definition—an attack on a person’s sexuality.

Our sexuality is the most intimate, private aspect of who we are. Our sexuality has to do with how we feel about being male or female, and how comfortable we are with our body, our genitals, and our sexual thoughts, expressions, and relationships.

When you were sexually abused— whether you suffered a gentle seduction by a loved relative or a violent rape by a stranger— your view and experience of your sexuality were affected by what happened to you.

The good news is that a variety of effective healing techniques now exist to help survivors overcome the sexual repercussions caused by abuse.

What are the sexual problems caused by sexual abuse?

The ten most common sexual symptoms of sexual abuse are:

1. avoiding or being afraid of sex
2. approaching sex as an obligation
3. experiencing negative feelings such as anger, disgust, or guilt with touch
4. having difficulty becoming aroused or feeling sensation
5. feeling emotionally distant or not present during sex
6. experiencing intrusive or disturbing sexual thoughts and images
7. engaging in compulsive or inappropriate sexual behaviors
8. experiencing difficulty establishing or maintaining an intimate relationship
9. experiencing vaginal pain or orgasmic difficulties
10. experiencing erectile or ejaculatory difficulties

What is sexual healing?

Sexual healing is an empowering process in which you reclaim your sexuality as both positive and pleasurable. It involves using special healing strategies and techniques to actively change sexual attitudes and behaviors which resulted from the abuse. The process of sexual healing often includes: gaining a deeper understanding of what happened and how it influenced your sexuality, increasing your body and self-awareness, developing a positive sense of your sexuality, and learning new skills for experiencing touch and sexual sharing in safe, life-affirming ways.

Sexual healing can take several months to several years, or more, to accomplish. It is considered advanced recovery work and thus, best undertaken only after a survivor is in a stable and safe lifestyle and has addressed more general effects of sexual abuse, such as depression, anger, self-blame, and trust concerns.

There are different levels of sexual healing work that a survivor can pursue; from simply reading about recovery to engaging in a series of progressive exercises, called “relearning touch techniques.” These exercises provide opportunities to practice a new approach to intimate touch. While some survivors are able to progress in sexual healing on their own, others find it essential to enlist the guidance and support of a trained mental health practitioner. Professional care is recommended because of the high possibility that sexual healing will stir up traumatic memories and feelings.

You don’t need to be in a relationship to do sexual healing work. Some exercises are designed for single survivors. However, if you have a partner, your partner needs to become educated about the sexual repercussions of abuse and learn strategies for participating actively and effectively in the healing process.

Here are some ideas for how to get started in sexual healing:

1. Learn about healthy sexuality

The first step in sexual healing is to learn to distinguish abusive type sex from healthy sex. If you commonly use words like, “bad,” “dirty.” “overwhelming,” “frightening,” “hurtful,” and “secretive” to describe sex, you need to realize that these are descriptive of “sexual abuse.” Healthy sexuality is something very different. It is characterized by choice, consent, equality, respect, honesty, trust, safety, intimacy, and sensual enjoyment.

In the books that you read and the movies you watch, decrease your exposure to abusive sex images and increase your exposure to examples of sex in which partners are responsible and express love and caring for each other.

2. See yourself as separate from what was done to you

We are all born sexually innocent. Due to sexual abuse or subsequent sexual behavior, you may erroneously believe that, sexually, you are bad, damaged goods, or merely a sexual object for someone else’s use.

Let the past be past, and give yourself a healthy sexual future. You are not strapped to the negative labels an offender may have called you or to the way you saw yourself as a result of the abuse. Now you have a choice and can assert your true self with others. Old labels will disappear as you stop believing them and stop acting in ways that reinforce them.

3. Stop sexual behaviors that are part of the problem

You can’t build a new foundation for healthy sex until you’ve gotten rid of sexual behaviors that could undermine healing. Sexual behaviors that need to go, typically include: having sex when you don’t want to, unsafe and risky sex, extramarital affairs, promiscuous sex, violent/degrading sex, compulsive sex, and engaging in abusive sexual fantasies. If you can’t do it on your own, seek help from 12-step programs and other supports. It takes time to break old habits and learn how to channel sexual energy in ways that nurture the body as well as the soul.

4. Learn to handle automatic reactions to touch

Many survivors encounter unpleasant automatic reactions to touch and sex, such as flashbacks of the abuse, fleeting thoughts of the offender, or strange reactions to something a sexual partner does or says during lovemaking. While these reactions are common, unavoidable, even protective, results of trauma, years later they can get in the way of enjoying sex. By developing understanding and patience you can learn to handle them effectively.

When you experience an unwanted reaction to touch, stop and become more consciously aware of the reaction. Then calm yourself physically with slow breathing, self-massage, and relaxation techniques. As soon as you can, affirm your present reality by reminding yourself of who you are now and that you have many options. You may also want to alter the activity in some way to make it more comfortable. Automatic reactions will diminish over time you become more aware of and responsive to them.

5. Familiarize yourself with touch techniques

You can use special touch exercises to help you relearn intimate touch in a safe and relaxed way. Different from traditional sex therapy techniques (which can be overwhelming to survivors), the “relearning touch” techniques provide a wide assortment of exercises from which to choose, as you feel ready. You can do some relearning touch exercises on your own, while others require a partner. (Detailed descriptions of the exercises can be found in Wendy’s book, The Sexual Healing Journey and video, “Relearning Touch” — to watch for free, click here

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These exercises help you develop skills such as: feeling relaxed with touch, breathing comfortably, staying present, communicating with a partner, having fun, and expressing and receiving love through physical contact. The exercises are progressive and follow a sequence from playful, non-sexual touch to sensual, pleasuring touch activities. When necessary, you can address specific sexual problems, such as orgasmic and erectile difficulties, by modifying standard sex therapy techniques using the new skills acquired in relearning touch.

You can repair the damage done to you in the past. You can look forward to a new surge of self-respect, personal contentment, and emotional intimacy. When you reclaim your sexuality, you reclaim yourself.

Watch The Sexual Healing Journey – Book Trailer

To read this article in Spanish (Sanar después del abuso sexual). click here