Wendy Maltz

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Acclaimed Sex Therapy Textbook Features Chapter by Wendy Maltz

Posted on October 16, 2024 by Wendy Maltz - Other Topics, Sexual Abuse Healing

Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz has just released the third edition of her award-winning book, New Directions in Sex Therapy: Innovations and Alternatives. It explores new and cutting-edge sex therapy approaches that address the needs of our increasingly diverse, multicultural population. This outstanding book includes many chapters on conventional sex therapy issues, dynamic healing approaches, and ground-breaking techniques written by highly acclaimed sexuality experts.

Wendy Maltz’s newly revised and updated chapter is entitled, “Sex Therapy with Survivors of Sexual Abuse.” It highlights the latest research on the sexual effects of sexual abuse and describes what approaches work best to address them. The chapter presents ten key strategies for sexual healing, includes descriptions of her relearning touch techniques, and provides a research-based understanding of why and how these strategies work to facilitate successful healing from the intimate repercussions of sexual abuse.

Talking about Our Sex Parts

Posted on April 1, 2024 by Wendy Maltz - Reflections on Sex, Sex & Love

On a walk with my friend Marie, we got to talking about cars. Marie shared that her very religious mother loved Volvos but steadfastly refused to buy one. I asked why. “Mom was afraid that someone would ask what type of car she owned. She didn’t want to have to say the word Volvo out loud, because it sounds too much like vulva!” We both laughed. I was impressed that Marie’s mom knew such a technical term for the female external genitalia. The story got me thinking about sexual words, and how uncomfortable they can make us feel.

One of the first skills I had to acquire as a young sex therapist was talking easily about sexual body parts. Sex therapy requires candid sex talk to help clients feel and function better sexually. But feeling comfortable saying sex words doesn’t happen overnight. Practice helped. The more I discussed sex parts and specifics, the easier it became to do it.

It also helped that my training to become a certified sex therapist involved exposure to a wide and colorful range of sexual terminology. This was critical. Sexuality counselors don’t do well if they are shocked or ignorant in a counseling session. I found much of this word-exposure learning both fun and illuminating. Imagine doing a group exercise in which you pair up and sit across from a virtual stranger and repeat a list of words, such as phallus, dick, rod, prick, pussy, slit, clit, yoni, boobs, tits, knockers, nipples, and balls. After exposure to sexual body part terms, we progressed to saying terms for sexual activities. Rumbles of words such as intercourse, humping, fucking, screwing, cock-sucking, finger-fucking, anal intercourse, beating your meat, and jilling off, rang in the space along with nervous laughter.

Regardless of what terms clients used in therapy, I was trained to stay calm, neutral, and professional by employing medical terminology. Thus, when a client told me about his “dick” or “rod”, I replied smoothly referring to his “penis.” In my counseling responses, “cunts” “clits” and “assholes” became “vaginas” “clitorises” and “anuses.” Clinical terminology encouraged safety and progress in the educational, therapeutic setting.

I may have had it easier than many of my peers. In my family of origin, my parents were frank and informative about sex matters. My father once shared that his father, my Grandpa Julius, called genitals “gentles.” I found this both cute and funny. Dad thought maybe it was because Julius learned English as a second language after immigrating from Eastern Europe. Perhaps he confused the word genitals with gentles. Or maybe he did it intentionally to make a point. I like to think it was the latter. My parents often cautioned me and my siblings to “Be gentle with your genitals.” Their message: they are special body parts that can be harmed by mistreatment, such as when bathing, roughhousing, or riding a bike.

I’ve always liked my grandpa’s term “gentles” for genital parts. I think it conveys respect and caring towards genitals. Many of the slang terms in our culture sound silly, demeaning, and, in some cases, threatening to me. For instance, penis terms like rods and swords, reference tools and weapons, and imply a separation from the man. And clitoris terms, like pleasure button and doorbell, lack power and agency.

The words we use for our sexual body parts influence how we feel about and treat them. It’s true sexual slang terms can be fun and sexy, but it depends on the circumstances. In some situations, they can offend and turn off a partner. How different is the message and energy when a penis is called a “pleasure wand” instead of a prick? And a clitoris called a “love button” instead of a clit sounds more worthy of tender handling. Everyone is different with what sex terms they prefer. And our word preferences change over time. I believe sexual terminology works best when it increases our ability to talk comfortably about sex and have positive sexual experiences with a partner. I think we’re doing well when we can talk about sex as easily as we do about cars.

I got my first car in 1972 when I graduated college, way before I considered becoming a sex therapist. What make of car was it? You guessed it, a Volvo!

(Illustration: Georgia O’Keeffe’s Series 1, No. 8, 1919. Public domain)

What’s the Meaning of Sex?

Posted on August 22, 2023 by Wendy Maltz - Other Topics, Reflections on Sex, Sex & Love

When I worked as a sex therapist, clients used to ask me lots of challenging questions about sex. For example, they would ask: When is someone ready to have sex for the first time? How much sex is too much sex? Why do some people desire sexual contact more than others? I did my best to answer them directly, citing research and what I had gleaned through clinical experience.

Yet, whenever people asked, What’s the meaning of sex?, my mind would go blank and then I’d fumble for an answer. I felt like I was being asked: What’s the meaning of life?

A textbook answer might include something about sex being the fulfillment of natural biological drives for pleasure, procreation, and intimate relating. But I knew this was an inadequate response. Like life, sex is huge, varied, and ever-changing. During the course of our lives, we often experience sex as both good and bad, fulfilling as well as disappointing. Our society presents mixed messages about the meaning of sex—associating it with love, excitement, and health, as well as abuse, betrayal, and harm.

Our sense of sex – how we define and describe it – evolves over time as our bodies mature and our life circumstances change. Sex can mean a lot at one point in our lives, and very little at another. Profound experiences of sexual connection and pleasure often expand how we feel about it. Because sex means something different to us at different times, it’s difficult to nail down an answer. Worse yet, how can anyone answer what sex means for someone else?

When I did get it together to respond, I’d invariably turn the question back around, and ask my clients: What does sex mean to you? On reflection, I realize that was the best answer I could give. When we explore what sex means to us personally, the act of inquiring stimulates our own thinking. Contemplation can lead to powerful insights that enhance our sexual awareness, enjoyment, and appreciation.

Clients who explored what sex means to them would sometimes share important breakthroughs. A woman with infertility decided to expand her meaning of sex beyond procreation to give her sex life a new direction. A man who described himself as “addicted to sex” saw how his view of sex — as a drug and a way to feel powerful and medicate stress — was holding back his recovery and ability to experience sexual intimacy with a partner. Moving away from narrow, stagnant meanings of sex can help us move toward greater sexual health and happiness.

About ten years ago, when I was in my mid-60s, I had an experience that drove home how significant sex was to me. Unexpected genetic testing revealed that I carry the BRCA 2 gene that increases the risk of breast and ovarian cancer. My doctor said that with increased monitoring, I could safely keep my breasts, but she strongly suggested I have my ovaries removed.

Unlike many other cancers, ovarian cancer is difficult to detect until it has progressed to a life-threatening stage. When it came down to removing my ovaries versus the high possibility of getting a killer cancer, the choice was easy. I quickly agreed to the operation. As a sexuality expert, I knew in the back of my mind that this action would decrease my natural hormones and likely diminish my desire for and enjoyment of sex.

Several weeks later, as the attendants wheeled me into the operating room, I suddenly began to cry. Tears ran like rivers down my cheeks. My heart felt heavy and my breathing became rough. I hadn’t changed my mind about getting my ovaries removed. Instead, I became acutely aware of how much I valued my ovaries and, by extension, my sexuality. I “lost it” over not wanting to lose my sexuality.

I realized that for me, sex means everything wonderful about being alive. I associate sex with sensation, excitement, pleasure, fun, caring, discovery, creativity, intimacy, fulfillment, peace, and joy. Sex connects me with youthfulness, nature, and the universe. I adore how sexual relating creates a private language, that strengthens relationship bonds, heals wounds, and reaffirms love. I was afraid that without sex, my world would become bleak—all black and white, with no color.

Thankfully, my sexuality has endured sans ovaries. Sure, I experience changes in my drives and sensations. And my body continues to go through some subtle and not-so-subtle transformations. But to tell the truth, it’s hard to say how much relates to the surgery or other changes common and natural with aging.

Like many older adults, I’ve had to accept new sexual realities in myself and my partner. I’ve been learning to accommodate and make adjustments. Surprisingly, the meaning I continue to give sex – as aliveness, pleasure, and intimacy – helps me adapt to these changes. It invites me to think beyond specific body parts, behaviors, and functioning, and discover new ways to express sexual energy.

What does sex mean to you?

How has your concept of sex changed over time?

In what ways does the meaning you give sex help or hinder your happiness?

The Porn Trap book – Now in Audio!

Posted on August 20, 2023 by Wendy Maltz - Porn Problem Recovery

Do you prefer to listen to your books? Larry and Wendy Maltz are delighted to share that our enduring recovery book, The Porn Trap: The Essential Guide to Overcoming Problems Caused by Pornography, is now available in audiobook form. The audio version is expertly and sensitively narrated by Frank Block. It is already the #1 new release in its field.

You can learn more about the book and listen to an audible sample HERE

Are Abortion Bans Like Sexual Assault?

Posted on October 27, 2022 by Wendy Maltz - Other Topics, Reflections on Sex, Sexual Abuse Healing

“You lose,” the heckler screamed from atop the cathedral steps at the marching women. “You have no choice. Your body is mine, and you’re having my baby.” That was the scene unfolding in front of the Old St. Patrick’s Cathedral in Manhattan days after the draft of the Supreme Court decision to overturn Roe v. Wade was leaked. A man with a sneer on his face shouted over women who were protesting for the right to control their bodies; a right that had been guaranteed them half a century earlier. His energy sent chills up my spine.

His taunts reminded me of a rapist.

After forty years as a therapist working with sexual abuse survivors, and as a survivor myself, I know how sex offenders taunt, terrorize, and control their victims. The trauma and harm they inflict can persist for years, not just physically, but psychologically, socially, and sexually—impacting how we feel about ourselves and experience pleasure and intimacy with others.

Forced pregnancy is also traumatic and threatens to inflict similar damage. Like sexual abuse, it attacks a woman’s most private and personal self—her reproductive organs and sexuality—and her ability to exercise sovereignty over her own body. Abortion bans treat her as an object, not a whole person. Some new abortion restrictions are so hideously extreme they prevent women and girls from legally terminating pregnancies resulting from rape or incest, or that could cause serious health problems, or take their own lives. The removal of self-agency diminishes a person’s social standing and influence—as their personal dignity, integrity, and desires suddenly have no value.

Like sex abuse, abortion bans are not gender-neutral. A primary feature is the exercise of power and control over women and girls. New laws and restrictions target only females—and in large numbers. About one in three women have an abortion in their lifetime. One-third of teenage girls with unintended pregnancies rely on abortion to address their difficult circumstances.

Men’s reproductive rights and sexual selves are not under assault. They are not being forced into healthcare decisions against their will. Imagine the uproar if men responsible for unwanted pregnancies were required to get a vasectomy.

Not surprisingly, the most consequential actions restricting abortion rights have been spearheaded by men who appear to use the issue to gain power. Listen closely and you can hear them mask outright assaults on women through deceit and strategic manipulation. In his Supreme Court confirmation hearing (after deflecting accusations of sexual assault), Justice Brett Kavanaugh promised to honor settled law. Then, at the first opportunity, he joined conservative colleagues in overturning Roe. For years Senator Lindsay Graham claimed state governments should regulate abortions, only to abruptly switch his position and propose a national ban that would obliterate the reproductive rights of all women in America.

Perhaps the most tragic and damaging similarity between sexual abuse and abortion bans, is how victims are betrayed by other women. I’ve heard countless accounts of women aiding sex abusers by disregarding the needs of the victim, shielding the perpetrator from consequences, or even participating in the abuse. Instead of receiving support, some survivors of incest and rape are blamed for “bringing it on yourself.” Even mothers can be complicit by disbelieving a daughter’s report of sexual abuse by a family member and failing to protect her.

Women with unwanted pregnancies often endure similar victim-blaming with taunts from other women such as “You should have been more careful” and “You made your bed, now sleep in it!” Women who want abortions are called cruel names or offered unrealistic solutions, such as adoption, which many don’t want. The valid and intensely personal reasons for not wanting to continue a pregnancy are either discounted or dismissed.

The sudden loss of bodily autonomy and choice is extremely upsetting. No wonder people are protesting in the streets and at the ballot boxes. Women who assumed choice was a given, are reporting strong visceral reactions of shock, fear, anger, hurt, sadness, helplessness, and confusion.

The traumatic impact of abortion bans is felt most intensely by women who currently need an abortion and can’t get one. Like a rabbit caught in a snare, they feel trapped and experience high anxiety and depression. These feelings are compounded for women who survived sexual abuse and other traumatic events in which they experienced a loss of bodily autonomy.

Many men are also upset. They support female friends, lovers, and daughters, and realize this may be just the beginning of government control. Everyone suffers when human rights are denied.

The repercussions of forced pregnancy can affect a woman’s whole life—curtailing her educational, social, financial, and family plans. Abortion restrictions have been associated with short-term mental health problems, and other negative consequences, such as an increased likelihood of living in poverty, being tethered to an abusive partner, and developing serious medical concerns. And without safe abortion options, more women may seek unsafe abortions, a leading cause of maternal death.

In the current debate over abortion rights, these sexual trauma-related repercussions are too important to overlook.

So, what can people do to take care of themselves and fight back? I know from counseling survivors of sex abuse and other assaults on bodily autonomy that empowerment is key to recovery. Here are some suggestions for how to take back power:

Realize you are not alone. A firm majority, over sixty percent, of Americans value choice and support abortion rights. Energize yourself by joining with others to support organizations and elect lawmakers who are actively fighting for your bodily autonomy and reproductive rights.

Reject feelings of shame and blame. Be kind and caring towards yourself. You are not to blame for what’s happening. Responsibility for the present situation rests solely with judges, legislators, and others trying to impose their specific religious beliefs and prescriptions on our entire population. You are entitled to your own beliefs and decisions. You have basic rights to privacy, freedom, consent, respect, equality, sexual healthcare, and more.

Get support from sympathetic providers. If you are sexually active and at risk of unintended pregnancy, consult with medical professionals to select reliable birth control. If you currently have an unwanted pregnancy, don’t delay, seek safe, legal options for getting help. Keep at it until you get the help you need. And explore ways to maintain the privacy of your decision and keep yourself safe.

Work as a team with your partner. New restrictions stress couple relationships. Turn towards each other, affirming your rights and sharing the responsibility for obtaining and using effective birth control. Consider permanent solutions, such as tubal ligation or vasectomy, if they are appropriate and desired.

Be a survivor, not a victim. When a person is assaulted by an outside force, it’s easy to wind up identifying as a victim and sink into feeling overwhelmed, helpless, and hopeless. But the victim role is a sure dead end. It’s far better to focus on how you can survive this assault and overcome its effects.

Silence, secrecy, and shame maintain feelings of powerlessness. Now is the time to speak out, share your story, and not give up. Although it will take time to reestablish reproductive rights, positive change and healing are possible.

Sexual relations and childbearing are two of the most beautiful and rewarding experiences a woman can know in her lifetime. But these joys are only possible when a woman has ownership of her own body, feels ready, and is filled with genuine desire.

Senior Sex Podcast on Love & Porn Concerns

Posted on October 24, 2022 by Wendy Maltz - Media Interviews, Porn Problem Recovery, Sex & Love

Do older and younger people relate to porn in the same way? Is porn use always problematic or can it be positive? How are intimate partners impacted by a partner’s porn use? What happens when porn stashes are discovered before or after you die? These are the types of questions Wendy Maltz discusses and answers on Peter Marriott and Suzanne Noble’s internationally popular Sex Advice for Seniors podcast episode 17 entitled “Love and Porn.”

You can find out more about the topics covered in the podcast interview, and access it from our information page, here

Or go directly to listen to the interview on the Sex Advice for Seniors substack page, here

Relearning Touch After Betrayal

Posted on August 24, 2022 by Wendy Maltz - Media Interviews, Porn Problem Recovery, Sexual Abuse Healing

How do couples rebuild trust and enjoyable intimacy when confronted with the emotional fallout caused by a partner’s past problem with porn? Find out in this informative two-part program, “Relearning Touch After Betrayal,” [Episode 153 & Episode 154] presented on Geoff Steuer’s From Crisis to Connection podcast. Geoff, an esteemed therapist and relationship educator, and his wife Jody explore with Wendy the challenges couples face and the effective relearning touch exercises and recovery strategies that they can use to heal their sexual relationship.

For more information and to access this program use the links below:

Relearning Touch After Betrayal:

Part One: Episode 153 – The impact of sexual betrayal on the couple [8-11-2022]

Part Two: Episode 154 – Touch and healing strategies [8-18-2022]

Would you like to listen to more “From Crisis to Connection” podcast programs with Wendy, Geoff, and Jody? Check out:

Why Porn Is Bad for Marriages: Episode 147 – Part One [6-30-2022]

Why Porn Is Bad for Marriages: Episode 148 – Part Two [7-7-2022]

Sexual Healing from Sexual Abuse: Episode 139 [5-5-2022]

WebMD: 5 Approaches to Sex Therapy

Posted on April 15, 2022 by Wendy Maltz - Media Interviews, Sex & Love

Nearly half of adults in the US report experiencing sexual issues at some time in their lives. Sex therapy can help – but people have to know about it and seek it. Journalist Anndee Hochman has written an excellent feature story for WebMD Health & Sex entitled, “Good Sex: 5 Therapists Share 5 Approaches to a Healthy Sex Life.” (4-6-2022). She describes some basic principles and techniques common in sex therapy. The focus and strategies of therapists Marla Renee Steward, Juan Camarena, Emily Jamea, Alex Caroline Robboy, Wendy Maltz, and Lexx Brown James are presented with stories of real people getting help and finding solutions to sexual problems.

Find a summary of the article here

You can access the whole article, here

New HealthySex Website!

Posted on April 13, 2022 by Wendy Maltz - Uncategorized

Welcome to the exciting new version of HealthySex.com! The site showcases the work of Wendy Maltz, a renowned sex and relationship expert who specializes in sexual abuse healing, porn problem recovery, sexual fantasies, and love-based sexuality.

This attractive site puts you in the driver’s seat of your own sex education. Explore our free materials, listen to engaging podcast interviews, watch healing videos, read articles on topics that interest you, download an educational poster, and more.

Wendy is extremely grateful to the talented team of individuals who helped her create this new site : Jack Wheeler of Blue Hat Design, Jennifer Andrews of Helios Creative, Leigh Anne Jasheway of Accidental Comic, Lily McAndrews/intern assistant, Evelyn Salinas/translation advisor, and Larry Maltz, Wendy’s partner extraordinaire.

Enjoy our offerings, have some fun, and spread the word . . .

A Curious Mind, A Sexy Subject

Posted on March 19, 2022 by Wendy Maltz - Reflections on Sex

In this first issue of “Reflections on Sex,” Wendy explores the influences and experiences that led her into the brand new field of sex therapy.

I was born in 1950, two years after Dr. Alfred Kinsey published the first-ever report on human sexuality and three years before the first issue of Playboy magazine appeared. As a child, I had no clue that someday I would become a sex therapist and write several books on sexuality myself.

Back then, the field of sex therapy didn’t even exist. Pioneer sex researchers Dr. William Masters and Virginia Johnson first coined the term in 1958 in a study proposal. They later defined “sex therapy” as a method for treating sexual problems in their groundbreaking best-seller, Human Sexual Inadequacy, in 1970. Reflecting on my life now, after having enjoyed a wonderful career as a sex educator and therapist for over four decades, I see that the signs of what I might become were all there.

Relearning Touch After Betrayal:

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