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Acclaimed Sex Therapy Textbook Features Chapter by Wendy Maltz

Posted on October 16, 2024 by Wendy Maltz - Other Topics, Sexual Abuse Healing

Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz has just released the third edition of her award-winning book, New Directions in Sex Therapy: Innovations and Alternatives. It explores new and cutting-edge sex therapy approaches that address the needs of our increasingly diverse, multicultural population. This outstanding book includes many chapters on conventional sex therapy issues, dynamic healing approaches, and ground-breaking techniques written by highly acclaimed sexuality experts.

Wendy Maltz’s newly revised and updated chapter is entitled, “Sex Therapy with Survivors of Sexual Abuse.” It highlights the latest research on the sexual effects of sexual abuse and describes what approaches work best to address them. The chapter presents ten key strategies for sexual healing, includes descriptions of her relearning touch techniques, and provides a research-based understanding of why and how these strategies work to facilitate successful healing from the intimate repercussions of sexual abuse.

Talking about Our Sex Parts

Posted on April 1, 2024 by Wendy Maltz - Reflections on Sex, Sex & Love

On a walk with my friend Marie, we got to talking about cars. Marie shared that her very religious mother loved Volvos but steadfastly refused to buy one. I asked why. “Mom was afraid that someone would ask what type of car she owned. She didn’t want to have to say the word Volvo out loud, because it sounds too much like vulva!” We both laughed. I was impressed that Marie’s mom knew such a technical term for the female external genitalia. The story got me thinking about sexual words, and how uncomfortable they can make us feel.

One of the first skills I had to acquire as a young sex therapist was talking easily about sexual body parts. Sex therapy requires candid sex talk to help clients feel and function better sexually. But feeling comfortable saying sex words doesn’t happen overnight. Practice helped. The more I discussed sex parts and specifics, the easier it became to do it.

It also helped that my training to become a certified sex therapist involved exposure to a wide and colorful range of sexual terminology. This was critical. Sexuality counselors don’t do well if they are shocked or ignorant in a counseling session. I found much of this word-exposure learning both fun and illuminating. Imagine doing a group exercise in which you pair up and sit across from a virtual stranger and repeat a list of words, such as phallus, dick, rod, prick, pussy, slit, clit, yoni, boobs, tits, knockers, nipples, and balls. After exposure to sexual body part terms, we progressed to saying terms for sexual activities. Rumbles of words such as intercourse, humping, fucking, screwing, cock-sucking, finger-fucking, anal intercourse, beating your meat, and jilling off, rang in the space along with nervous laughter.

Regardless of what terms clients used in therapy, I was trained to stay calm, neutral, and professional by employing medical terminology. Thus, when a client told me about his “dick” or “rod”, I replied smoothly referring to his “penis.” In my counseling responses, “cunts” “clits” and “assholes” became “vaginas” “clitorises” and “anuses.” Clinical terminology encouraged safety and progress in the educational, therapeutic setting.

I may have had it easier than many of my peers. In my family of origin, my parents were frank and informative about sex matters. My father once shared that his father, my Grandpa Julius, called genitals “gentles.” I found this both cute and funny. Dad thought maybe it was because Julius learned English as a second language after immigrating from Eastern Europe. Perhaps he confused the word genitals with gentles. Or maybe he did it intentionally to make a point. I like to think it was the latter. My parents often cautioned me and my siblings to “Be gentle with your genitals.” Their message: they are special body parts that can be harmed by mistreatment, such as when bathing, roughhousing, or riding a bike.

I’ve always liked my grandpa’s term “gentles” for genital parts. I think it conveys respect and caring towards genitals. Many of the slang terms in our culture sound silly, demeaning, and, in some cases, threatening to me. For instance, penis terms like rods and swords, reference tools and weapons, and imply a separation from the man. And clitoris terms, like pleasure button and doorbell, lack power and agency.

The words we use for our sexual body parts influence how we feel about and treat them. It’s true sexual slang terms can be fun and sexy, but it depends on the circumstances. In some situations, they can offend and turn off a partner. How different is the message and energy when a penis is called a “pleasure wand” instead of a prick? And a clitoris called a “love button” instead of a clit sounds more worthy of tender handling. Everyone is different with what sex terms they prefer. And our word preferences change over time. I believe sexual terminology works best when it increases our ability to talk comfortably about sex and have positive sexual experiences with a partner. I think we’re doing well when we can talk about sex as easily as we do about cars.

I got my first car in 1972 when I graduated college, way before I considered becoming a sex therapist. What make of car was it? You guessed it, a Volvo!

(Illustration: Georgia O’Keeffe’s Series 1, No. 8, 1919. Public domain)

What’s the Meaning of Sex?

Posted on August 22, 2023 by Wendy Maltz - Other Topics, Reflections on Sex, Sex & Love

When I worked as a sex therapist, clients used to ask me lots of challenging questions about sex. For example, they would ask: When is someone ready to have sex for the first time? How much sex is too much sex? Why do some people desire sexual contact more than others? I did my best to answer them directly, citing research and what I had gleaned through clinical experience.

Yet, whenever people asked, What’s the meaning of sex?, my mind would go blank and then I’d fumble for an answer. I felt like I was being asked: What’s the meaning of life?

A textbook answer might include something about sex being the fulfillment of natural biological drives for pleasure, procreation, and intimate relating. But I knew this was an inadequate response. Like life, sex is huge, varied, and ever-changing. During the course of our lives, we often experience sex as both good and bad, fulfilling as well as disappointing. Our society presents mixed messages about the meaning of sex—associating it with love, excitement, and health, as well as abuse, betrayal, and harm.

Our sense of sex – how we define and describe it – evolves over time as our bodies mature and our life circumstances change. Sex can mean a lot at one point in our lives, and very little at another. Profound experiences of sexual connection and pleasure often expand how we feel about it. Because sex means something different to us at different times, it’s difficult to nail down an answer. Worse yet, how can anyone answer what sex means for someone else?

When I did get it together to respond, I’d invariably turn the question back around, and ask my clients: What does sex mean to you? On reflection, I realize that was the best answer I could give. When we explore what sex means to us personally, the act of inquiring stimulates our own thinking. Contemplation can lead to powerful insights that enhance our sexual awareness, enjoyment, and appreciation.

Clients who explored what sex means to them would sometimes share important breakthroughs. A woman with infertility decided to expand her meaning of sex beyond procreation to give her sex life a new direction. A man who described himself as “addicted to sex” saw how his view of sex — as a drug and a way to feel powerful and medicate stress — was holding back his recovery and ability to experience sexual intimacy with a partner. Moving away from narrow, stagnant meanings of sex can help us move toward greater sexual health and happiness.

About ten years ago, when I was in my mid-60s, I had an experience that drove home how significant sex was to me. Unexpected genetic testing revealed that I carry the BRCA 2 gene that increases the risk of breast and ovarian cancer. My doctor said that with increased monitoring, I could safely keep my breasts, but she strongly suggested I have my ovaries removed.

Unlike many other cancers, ovarian cancer is difficult to detect until it has progressed to a life-threatening stage. When it came down to removing my ovaries versus the high possibility of getting a killer cancer, the choice was easy. I quickly agreed to the operation. As a sexuality expert, I knew in the back of my mind that this action would decrease my natural hormones and likely diminish my desire for and enjoyment of sex.

Several weeks later, as the attendants wheeled me into the operating room, I suddenly began to cry. Tears ran like rivers down my cheeks. My heart felt heavy and my breathing became rough. I hadn’t changed my mind about getting my ovaries removed. Instead, I became acutely aware of how much I valued my ovaries and, by extension, my sexuality. I “lost it” over not wanting to lose my sexuality.

I realized that for me, sex means everything wonderful about being alive. I associate sex with sensation, excitement, pleasure, fun, caring, discovery, creativity, intimacy, fulfillment, peace, and joy. Sex connects me with youthfulness, nature, and the universe. I adore how sexual relating creates a private language, that strengthens relationship bonds, heals wounds, and reaffirms love. I was afraid that without sex, my world would become bleak—all black and white, with no color.

Thankfully, my sexuality has endured sans ovaries. Sure, I experience changes in my drives and sensations. And my body continues to go through some subtle and not-so-subtle transformations. But to tell the truth, it’s hard to say how much relates to the surgery or other changes common and natural with aging.

Like many older adults, I’ve had to accept new sexual realities in myself and my partner. I’ve been learning to accommodate and make adjustments. Surprisingly, the meaning I continue to give sex – as aliveness, pleasure, and intimacy – helps me adapt to these changes. It invites me to think beyond specific body parts, behaviors, and functioning, and discover new ways to express sexual energy.

What does sex mean to you?

How has your concept of sex changed over time?

In what ways does the meaning you give sex help or hinder your happiness?

New HealthySex Website!

Posted on April 13, 2022 by Wendy Maltz - Uncategorized

Welcome to the exciting new version of HealthySex.com! The site showcases the work of Wendy Maltz, a renowned sex and relationship expert who specializes in sexual abuse healing, porn problem recovery, sexual fantasies, and love-based sexuality.

This attractive site puts you in the driver’s seat of your own sex education. Explore our free materials, listen to engaging podcast interviews, watch healing videos, read articles on topics that interest you, download an educational poster, and more.

Wendy is extremely grateful to the talented team of individuals who helped her create this new site : Jack Wheeler of Blue Hat Design, Jennifer Andrews of Helios Creative, Leigh Anne Jasheway of Accidental Comic, Lily McAndrews/intern assistant, Evelyn Salinas/translation advisor, and Larry Maltz, Wendy’s partner extraordinaire.

Enjoy our offerings, have some fun, and spread the word . . .

A Curious Mind, A Sexy Subject

Posted on March 19, 2022 by Wendy Maltz - Reflections on Sex

In this first issue of “Reflections on Sex,” Wendy explores the influences and experiences that led her into the brand new field of sex therapy.

I was born in 1950, two years after Dr. Alfred Kinsey published the first-ever report on human sexuality and three years before the first issue of Playboy magazine appeared. As a child, I had no clue that someday I would become a sex therapist and write several books on sexuality myself.

Back then, the field of sex therapy didn’t even exist. Pioneer sex researchers Dr. William Masters and Virginia Johnson first coined the term in 1958 in a study proposal. They later defined “sex therapy” as a method for treating sexual problems in their groundbreaking best-seller, Human Sexual Inadequacy, in 1970. Reflecting on my life now, after having enjoyed a wonderful career as a sex educator and therapist for over four decades, I see that the signs of what I might become were all there.

“Healthy Intimacy After Abuse” with Elizabeth Smart, survivor (pt 1 of 2)

Posted on July 13, 2021 by Wendy Maltz - Media Interviews, Sexual Abuse Healing

A powerful conversation! Nationally-recognized abuse survivor, Elizabeth Smart, and Wendy discuss “How to Have Healthy Intimacy After Abuse.” It’s a frequent question people ask her. Find out here. They discuss why sex is a challenging topic, recognizing symptoms, changing attitudes and behaviors, how intimate partners can help, the benefits of sexual healing from sexual abuse, and more. This is Part 1 of a two-part series available in audio and in transcript form at elizabethsmartfoundation.org. Elizabeth is amazing in her healing strength, knowledge, compassion, and commitment to helping others!

LISTEN NOW on Apple podcasts or

LISTEN NOW on Spotify or

LISTEN OR READ NOW in transcript at The Elizabeth Smart Foundation

SimpleClarity.biz Features Wendy’s Lifestory

Posted on March 18, 2018 by Wendy Maltz - Other Topics

When Wendy’s friend, Mary Clare Feighan, invited her to be interviewed for her new website, SimpleClarity.biz, she just couldn’t say no. Clare is a dynamic, caring person who has put together a program series that helps women inspire other women to succeed with their life dreams. Like other women featured in the “Conversations with Substance” video series, Wendy’s interview provides a candid, friendly, information-filled conversation that gets to the heart of her life’s work. Wendy shares about the importance of integrity, determination, persistence, and self-care in following through with goals. To find out more, and even watch Wendy practice some daily yoga and smiling exercises, see “conversation teaser 2” at https://www.simpleclarity.biz.

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