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Talking about Our Sex Parts

Posted on April 1, 2024 by Wendy Maltz - Reflections on Sex, Sex & Love

On a walk with my friend Marie, we got to talking about cars. Marie shared that her very religious mother loved Volvos but steadfastly refused to buy one. I asked why. “Mom was afraid that someone would ask what type of car she owned. She didn’t want to have to say the word Volvo out loud, because it sounds too much like vulva!” We both laughed. I was impressed that Marie’s mom knew such a technical term for the female external genitalia. The story got me thinking about sexual words, and how uncomfortable they can make us feel. 

One of the first skills I had to acquire as a young sex therapist was talking easily about sexual body parts. Sex therapy requires candid sex talk to help clients feel and function better sexually. But feeling comfortable saying sex words doesn’t happen overnight. Practice helped. The more I discussed sex parts and specifics, the easier it became to do it.  

It also helped that my training to become a certified sex therapist involved exposure to a wide and colorful range of sexual terminology. This was critical. Sexuality counselors don’t do well if they are shocked or ignorant in a counseling session. I found much of this word-exposure learning both fun and illuminating. Imagine doing a group exercise in which you pair up and sit across from a virtual stranger and repeat a list of words, such as phallus, dick, rod, prick, pussy, slit, clit, yoni, boobs, tits, knockers, nipples, and balls. After exposure to sexual body part terms, we progressed to saying terms for sexual activities. Rumbles of words such as intercourse, humping, fucking, screwing, cock-sucking, finger-fucking, anal intercourse, beating your meat, and jilling off, rang in the space along with nervous laughter. 

Regardless of what terms clients used in therapy, I was trained to stay calm, neutral, and professional by employing medical terminology. Thus, when a client told me about his “dick” or “rod”, I replied smoothly referring to his “penis.” In my counseling responses, “cunts” “clits” and “assholes” became “vaginas” “clitorises” and “anuses.”  Clinical terminology encouraged safety and progress in the educational, therapeutic setting.

I may have had it easier than many of my peers. In my family of origin, my parents were frank and informative about sex matters. My father once shared that his father, my Grandpa Julius, called genitals “gentles.” I found this both cute and funny. Dad thought maybe it was because Julius learned English as a second language after immigrating from Eastern Europe. Perhaps he confused the word genitals with gentles. Or maybe he did it intentionally to make a point. I like to think it was the latter. My parents often cautioned me and my siblings to “Be gentle with your genitals.” Their message: they are special body parts that can be harmed by mistreatment, such as when bathing, roughhousing, or riding a bike.  

I’ve always liked my grandpa’s term “gentles” for genital parts. I think it conveys respect and caring towards genitals. Many of the slang terms in our culture sound silly, demeaning, and, in some cases, threatening to me. For instance, penis terms like rods and swords, reference tools and weapons, and imply a separation from the man. And clitoris terms, like pleasure button and doorbell, lack power and agency. 

The words we use for our sexual body parts influence how we feel about and treat them. It’s true sexual slang terms can be fun and sexy, but it depends on the circumstances. In some situations, they can offend and turn off a partner. How different is the message and energy when a penis is called a “pleasure wand” instead of a prick? And a clitoris called a “love button” instead of a clit sounds more worthy of tender handling. Everyone is different with what sex terms they prefer. And our word preferences change over time. I believe sexual terminology works best when it increases our ability to talk comfortably about sex and have positive sexual experiences with a partner. I think we’re doing well when we can talk about sex as easily as we do about cars. 

I got my first car in 1972 when I graduated college, way before I considered becoming a sex therapist. What make of car was it? You guessed it, a Volvo!

© Wendy Maltz, April 1, 2024, all rights reserved

(Illustration: Georgia O’Keeffe’s Series 1, No. 8, 1919. Public domain)

Tags: sex, sex communication, sex counseling, sex education, sex partner communication, sex terminology, sex therapy, sex therapy training, sex words, talking about sex, volvos, vulvas, wendy maltz


New HealthySex Website!

Posted on April 13, 2022 by Wendy Maltz - Uncategorized

Welcome to the exciting new version of HealthySex.com! The site showcases the work of Wendy Maltz, a renowned sex and relationship expert who specializes in sexual abuse healing, porn problem recovery, sexual fantasies, and love-based sexuality.

This attractive site puts you in the driver’s seat of your own sex education. Explore our free materials, listen to engaging podcast interviews, watch healing videos, read articles on topics that interest you, download an educational poster, and more.

Wendy is extremely grateful to the talented team of individuals who helped her create this new site : Jack Wheeler of Blue Hat Design, Jennifer Andrews of Helios Creative, Leigh Anne Jasheway of Accidental Comic, Lily McAndrews/intern assistant, Evelyn Salinas/translation advisor, and Larry Maltz, Wendy’s partner extraordinaire.

Enjoy our offerings, have some fun, and spread the word . . .

Tags: Accidental Comic, Blue Hat Design, healing sexual fantasies, healthy sex, HealthySex, Helios Creative, intimacy-based sex, Jack Wheeler, Jennifer Andrews, Larry Maltz, Leigh Anne Jasheway, love, porn addiction recovery, porn problem recovery, sex, sex abuse recovery, sex and love, sex education, sex therapy, sexual abuse healing, sexual fantasies, understanding sexual fantasie, wendy maltz


Need to Educate Kids About Pornography – Schwartz article

Posted on November 17, 2014 by Wendy Maltz - Media Interviews, Porn Problem Recovery

Canadian journalist, Daniel Schwartz, discusses the rising need for parents and teachers to educate children about pornography in his article, “Pornography, kids, and sex education: what to do?” published online with CBC news. The article reveals how increasing numbers of children are viewing porn and turning to it for sex education. Several studies are sited revealing concerns teens have about the impact of porn on their understanding of sex, sexual relationships and intimacy. Wendy Maltz LCSW DST was interviewed for the article and she talked about the sexual conditioning that occurs with porn when it is coupled with arousal, and porn’s negative impact on sexual development and intimacy learning.  The Porn Trap was mentioned.

Click here to read the full article

Canadian journalist, Daniel Schwartz

Tags: Daniel Schwartz, pornography impact on kids, pornography use teens, sex education, sexual intimacy learning, The Porn Trap, wendy maltz


Why Porn Fails as Sex Ed – UO Daily Emerald

Posted on October 12, 2014 by Wendy Maltz - Media Interviews, Porn Problem Recovery

Journalist Tanner Owens explores why turning to pornography for sex education isn’t a good idea in this insightful opinion piece published in the University of Oregon’s Daily Emerald News, entitled, “Don’t Let Pornography Show You How It’s Done.” Wendy is quoted as one of the sexuality experts who was interviewed for the article.  The piece mentions The Porn Trap book.

 

Tags: pornography, sex education, Tanner Owens, The Porn Trap, wendy maltz


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