Articles

Sex Therapy Approaches to Good Sex

Posted on April 15, 2022 by Wendy Maltz - Media Interviews, Sex & Love

Journalist Anndee Hochman provides helpful information about sex therapy in her excellent Web MD feature entitled, “Good Sex: 5 Therapists Share 5 Approaches to a Healthy Sex Life,” (WebMD Health & Sex, 4-6-2022). She presents the stories of real people getting help and finding solutions to sexual problems.

The article describes some therapeutic techniques and strategies employed by sexuality experts Marla Renee Steward, Juan Camarena, Emily Jamea, Alex Caroline Robboy, Wendy Maltz, and Lexx Brown James.

The healing strategies highlighted in the article include: increasing mutual understanding, improving comfort and stimulation techniques, being more patient, overcoming shame, utilizing mindfulness, building body awareness, tuning into sensation, bridging differences in desire, brief sensate focus exercises, relearning touch techniques, creativity, playfulness, working as a team, sex education, and self-empowerment.

You can access the whole article, here

Recursos de sanación de abuso sexual en español

Posted on April 6, 2022 by Wendy Maltz - Sexual Abuse Healing

Sex Abuse Healing Resources in Spanish

Artículos para sanar del abuso sexual

El viaje para sanar la sexualidad de acuerdo a la terapeuta Wendy Maltz. En Pareja por Yajaira Villarreal, artículo web,7-24-21, en español

Hay mucha ignorancia sobre las causas de un abuso sexual; Wendy Maltz psicoterapeuta y autora de el libro ‘El Viaje Para Sanar la Sexualidad’, por Susana Zepeda. Vanguardia, Nacional, artículo web y PDF, 7-25-2021, en español

Las tasas de abuso sexual son similares a nivel mundial desde hace 30 años: Wendy Maltz, por Dulce Olvera. Sinembargo.mx, artículo web, 7-24-21, en español

Sanar después del abuso sexual, por Wendy Maltz

Libros para sanar del abuso sexual

El viaje para sanar la sexualidad:
una guía para sobrevivientes de abuso sexual,
por Wendy Maltz, prólogo de Evelyn Salinas

Pósters sobre sexualidad sana

Gráfica comparativa de la diferencia entre una relación sexual abusiva y una relación sexual sana.

¿Quál es tu mentalidad sexual? Tabla comparativa

Videos y audios para sanar del abuso sexual

Mensajes de apoyo para sobrevivientes de abuso sexual de Wendy
Video #1 y Video #2 en inglés con subtítulos en español

Entrevista a Wendy Maltz. Fátima López, Librerías Gandhi (Video en inglés con una introducción y subtítulos en español)

Presentación del libro “El viaje para sanar la sexualidad”. Acompáñanos a conversar con Wendy Maltz, HarperCollinsFacebook, México. Con Lorena Olvera, Evelyn Salinas. 7-29-21 en español, (Facebook Live).

Entrevista a Wendy Maltz. Elena Arcila de SIPSE NEWS en México entrevista a Wendy sobre “El viaje para sanar la sexualidad” y analiza el grave problema del abuso sexual en México. 7-23-21, en español, (VIDEO)

Acompáñanos a conversar con Wendy Maltz sobre su libro “El viaje para sanar la sexualidad.” HarperCollinsMexico en vivo en Facebook, con Edgar Krauss (editor de HCM) y Alejandro Pulido Cayon (conductor de radio) grabado el 7-23-2021, en español, (VIDEO)

Acerca de Wendy Maltz

Wendy Maltz es una terapeuta sexual, educadora y autora internacionalmente reconocida con más de cuarenta años de experiencia como consejera. Es una experta destacada en sanación del abuso sexual, entendimiento de fantasías sexuales, superación de problemas causados por la pornografía, y desarrollo de habilidades para una sexualidad íntima y sana basada en el amor.

El sitio educativo de Wendy es www.HealthySex.com. Provee artículos, carteles, entrevistas y reflexiones que pueden asistir en la sanación y promueven la salud sexual. Varios videos reconocidos se pueden ver gratuitamente en su sitio HealthySex.com, incluyendo “Re-aprendiendo el contacto físico: Técnicas de sanación para parejas,” (Relearning Touch Techniques) que presenta ejercicios descritos en su libro “El viaje para sanar la sexualidad.”

Wendy se ha retirado de su práctica de terapia y orientación. Sin embargo se mantiene activa al dar entrevistas, presentaciones ocasionales y mantener su sitio Healthysex en la red informática. Wendy recibió el premio Carnes en 2014, por su contribución en el campo de la recuperación sexual, presentado por la Sociedad para el Avance de la Salud Sexual.

What Sex After Sex Abuse is Really Like (Clark-Flory)

Posted on March 25, 2022 by Wendy Maltz - Sexual Abuse Healing

Writer Tracy Clark-Flory provides readers a close look into the after-effects of sexual assault in her article, “What Sex After Sexual Assault Is Really Like.”

This article presents the personal stories of several women survivors with different abuse histories, sexual repercussions, and approaches to healing. Tracy provides expert advice from interviews with sexual abuse recovery experts, including Wendy Maltz. She emphasizes Wendy’s book, The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse, as an essential resource for healing. Tracy also discusses the wisdom of Wendy’s “relearning touch” exercises and the importance of moving slowly back into being sexual when recovering from this type of trauma.

The article was written by Tracy Clark-Flory and featured in the Refinery29 online magazine on February 2, 2015

To read the article, CLICK HERE

How to Support a Friend or Loved One Who Has Been Sexually Abused (Marin)

Posted on March 25, 2022 by Wendy Maltz - Sexual Abuse Healing

What do you say, and how can you help someone who has been sexually abused? Vanessa Marin provides a wealth of tips and ideas in this article. It features expert advice from a number of mental health professionals, including Wendy Maltz, author of The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse.

Wendy shares a list of suggestions for how to respond when someone first discloses their past abuse, such as “I’m sorry this happened to you,” “Thank you for sharing,” “You are not to blame for what happened to you,” and “I respect you for addressing this.”

Vanessa discusses the importance of listening well to a survivor, educating yourself about abuse, providing ongoing support, practicing self-care, and honoring the survivor’s recovery process.

This article was featured in the New York Times, Smarter Living Magazine, February 27, 2019

Click here to link to the whole article

Sexual Abuse Can Affect Your Physical Health, Too

Posted on March 23, 2022 by Wendy Maltz - Sexual Abuse Healing

Healing your past can help you overcome stomach problems, headaches, and other unexplained ailments.

Sexual abuse—be it recent or years ago—is often linked to mental health problems such as depression and anxiety in the estimated one in four women and one in six men who were sexually assaulted before the age of 18.

Now: A growing body of evidence links a history of molestation and/ or rape to a wide variety of physical ailments.

Problem: Sexual abuse survivors —and their doctors—often don’t realize that their medical problems may stem from the abuse. What’s more, many people who were sexually abused are reluctant to mention it to their doctors because they feel shame and anxiety about what happened to them.

Sexual abuse and poor health

Sexual abuse and other traumatic experiences have been shown to cause unstable levels of the primary stress hormone cortisol, which can persist for years. Chronically elevated levels of cortisol can lead to inflammation, a contributing factor in major illnesses such as chronic fatigue syndrome, type 2 diabetes, arthritis, and even heart disease. Sexual abuse has been identified as a risk factor in asthma, hypertension, unwanted pregnancy, panic attacks, eating disorders, sleep disturbances, herpes, urinary tract infections, self-injury, and more. Also, sexual abuse survivors have higher than average rates of drug and alcohol abuse, tobacco use and risky sexual behavior—all of which can lead to a variety of health problems. Other common physical health effects of sexual abuse…

Obesity

Family violence in childhood, including sexual abuse, has been found to be a risk factor in adult obesity. Unpleasant emotions, chronic stress and eating disorders are thought to be involved. Survivors of sexual abuse may also overeat and become overweight as a form of self-soothing and/or a way of discouraging sexual advances.

Headaches

Even years after sexual abuse, survivors may frequently recall the abuse, fear revealing the abuse secret, have nightmares and suffer sexual anxieties—all of which fuel muscular tension and emotional stress that encourage chronic headaches and migraines.

In a 2007 study of 161 patients with serious headache problems, a whopping 40% of those who suffered from chronic daily headaches also had a history of sexual and/or physical abuse. About 5% of the general population have similar headaches.

Gastrointestinal (GI) disorders

In clinical settings, women and men who were sexually abused as children are more likely to report GI problems, such as irritable bowel syndrome, abdominal pain, diarrhea and nausea, than patients who were not abused. Some studies have found that as many as half of sexually abused women suffer from some type of GI symptom.

In addition, survivors of sexual abuse with GI problems report more medical symptoms, greater general pain, more lifetime surgeries and significantly higher amounts of disability due to the illness than nonsexually abused peers.

Fibromyalgia

Increasing evidence indicates that women who have been sexually abused are more likely to develop fibromyalgia, a syndrome characterized by chronic widespread pain, multiple “tender points” on various parts of the body, fatigue, and sleep disturbances. (Fibromyalgia in men who have been sexually abused has not been widely studied.) Ongoing stress and depression related to abuse may impair sensory processing in the central nervous system, causing pain.

Chronic pelvic pain

Women who have been sexually abused tend to experience more chronic pelvic pain—50% by some estimates—including painful intercourse. One source of pelvic pain is vaginismus, a reflexive tightening of the vaginal muscles that can occur—even in loving sexual relationships—as women unconsciously seek to avoid further trauma or pain. Over time, chronically tight vaginal muscles can shrink and atrophy, causing even more sexual difficulties. Male survivors have reported problems with recurrent rectal pain.

What you can do to help protect your health…

1. Don’t ignore your history

If you are a sexual abuse survivor who is concerned about or experiencing mental health problems, sexual problems and/or unexplained physical ailments, seek professional help from a psychologist, counselor or certified sex therapist trained in sexual abuse treatment.

Classic sexual abuse recovery books, such as The Courage to Heal, Victims No Longer and The Sexual Healing Journey, offer healing strategies for both women and men.

Also, investigate sexual abuse survivors’ groups and online resources, such as Adult Survivors of Child Abuse (www.ascaSupport.org), Survivors of Incest Anonymous (www.siawso.org) and the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (www.rainn.org).

2. Speak to your doctor

Talk candidly with your physician so that he/she can factor your sexual abuse history into preventive care and the diagnosis of any health problems. Informed health-care workers can make a special effort to help you feel safe during invasive exams and procedures, such as Pap smears for women and prostate exams for men.

3. Be sure to adopt a healthy lifestyle

Develop daily health habits that keep you strong, reduce your stress levels and decrease your risk for health problems. These include following a healthful diet…getting seven to eight hours of sleep per night…exercising three to five times a week…and learning body- and brain-calming techniques, such as yoga, tai chi and meditation. Physical therapy can be beneficial for treating pelvic pain disorders.

4. Pay attention to your sexual health

Sexual abuse is not only an attack on one’s body, but also an attack on one’s sexuality. It can establish negative sexual attitudes and behaviors that impair healthy intimacy and long-term sexual pleasure, such as approaching sex as an obligation, not feeling present during sex and engaging in out-of-control, harmful and compulsive sex. You may need to “relearn”—or even learn for the first time—that sex can be an expression of mutual respect and caring in a loving relationship. Healing your sexuality allows you to tackle the root cause of trauma-related medical conditions, thus improving your mental health, as well as your physical well-being.

How Do You Think about Sex?

Posted on March 23, 2022 by Wendy Maltz - Sex & Love

Learning to distinguish healthy sexuality from other forms of sexual experience empowers you to bring healthy sex more into your own life and relationships.

Below you will find a chart entitled, “What Is Your Sexual Mindset?” This chart compares “healthy sexuality” with a “sexual abuse and sexual addiction” perspective on sex.

Pay attention to any items that concern or confuse you. You may want to discuss these ideas with a partner, friend, counselor, or health educator, to tease out the differences more. How you think about sex significantly affects how you and your partner will experience and feel about it. These distinctions can also serve as a guide when making decisions about what sexual activities and expressions you want to encourage and pursue in your life.

See and download the chart in either Spanish or English via the links below:

8 1/2 x 11″
¿Cuál es tu mentalidad sexual?
What Is Your Sexual Mindset?

11 x 17 or 18 x 24″
¿Cuál es tu mentalidad sexual?
What Is Your Sexual Mindset?

Note: If you are concerned about pornography, you may want to look at the comparison chart we developed for recovering porn users. Entitled, “Do You Know the Difference?” it compares “porn-related sex” to “healthy sexuality.” This porn-oriented comparison chart is published in our book, “The Porn Trap: The Essential Guide to Understanding Problems Caused by Pornography” and is also available as a free poster that you can download on this site.

When #MeToo Brings Up Painful Memories of Sexual Abuse, Here’s Help

Posted on March 21, 2022 by Wendy Maltz - Featured, Sexual Abuse Healing

Harassment. Abuse. Violence. Rape. The many ways that men’s behavior has harmed women is the focus of the powerful new social-media movement. It began as a response to allegations that Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein engaged in decades-long sexual harassment and abuse of young women. Within hours after the call-out by the actress Alyssa Milano, the hashtag trended on social media as thousands of women posted their own stories and thousands more updated their status with a simple #MeToo.

For many women, however, the sight of all those #MeToos, while inspiring, can trigger very painful memories—even bring new ones to light that you may have suppressed. To learn how to deal with these, we spoke with Wendy Maltz, LCSW, DST, a psychotherapist, lecturer and sex therapist who has written six books on sexuality, including The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse. (Note: These recommendations apply to anyone—including men—who has been a victim of sexual abuse.)

The truth is, there are many paths to healing. Here is how to find the ones that are a good fit for you:

Honor your experience

Don’t minimize your experiences or compare them with someone else’s experiences that seem even worse. Each event of sexual harassment, abuse or violence—from catcalls to crude remarks to groping and beyond—is an invasion of your privacy and an attempt to diminish your dignity that can make you feel vulnerable, violated and humiliated. The appropriate response to yourself to each experience is compassion and understanding.

Don’t overshare on social media

Adding your #MeToo makes a valuable public statement without getting into details of what happened. Sharing specifics or naming names is riskier because what goes online stays there forever and you can’t control how others might respond to your story or use it against you in the future. If your goal is to push the problem of sex abuse out into the sunshine, and you’re cool with encountering potential consequences, then sharing your #MeToo is an option you can be proud of. But I think it’s counterproductive to expect that you’ll find healing on social media.

Use your memories to heal

It’s upsetting to remember the painful past, but the resurfacing of old memories provides an opportunity for deeper healing. It’s a chance to recognize how strong you are. Even if you feel you haven’t fully resolved what happened, focus on the extent to which you withstood the incident and moved forward in spite of it.

Talk to someone you know who is sympathetic

Not everyone wants to share her story—it’s ok to stay silent forever or until you feel ready to talk—but if you do, decide how much you want to disclose and to whom. Disclosure can help dispel feelings of isolation and shame. It can feel freeing to finally receive the validation and comfort you deserve. Choose someone carefully—whether a spouse, friend, relative, clergy member, or family doctor—whom you know understands the prevalence and significance of sexual violence. They are more likely to provide helpful support.

One way to gauge whether someone is a good person to talk to: Begin by bringing up sexual abuse in general or via a news story. Pay attention to how the person responds: Does she/ he express sympathy with abuse victims or, instead, challenge or doubt their stories? Then you might talk in general about your own experience without going into specifics (“This kind of thing happened to me, too”) and feel out the response before saying more. Remember that once you share details, you can’t take them back. That’s why it’s wiser to reveal small amounts of general information at first and then more only if, or, as, it feels important and right to do. Keep in mind that friends, family members, and others are not therapists and may have difficulty hearing specifics and explicit information. You don’t need to share a lot to receive some understanding and caring from people you know.

Find strength in numbers

If confiding in one person isn’t for you or if you feel you could benefit from joining with others in an active healing process, there are a number of support groups for survivors of sexual abuse or violence. Find local groups and resources on RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) by typing in your zip code. (See our Links page at HealthySex for more resources)

Read helpful books or listen to podcasts

Reading about or listening to other survivors’ stories can show you there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. If you find the details too upsetting, you can skim over those parts to get to the recommendations. Some books to try, include The Courage to Heal and my book The Sexual Healing Journey. Sometimes just listening to others’ stories is therapeutic: Safe Space Radio features conversations on sex abuse and related topics.

Seek counseling

I’m not a fan of digging up the past for no reason. But if the abuse you suffered in the past is affecting your mental and physical health or harming your ability to be intimate —or if you simply want to understand better how it’s influenced your life—find a therapist. Sex abuse recovery therapists can help you undo negative thinking patterns and develop critical skills for self-care, self-compassion, and speaking up for yourself. Ask your doctor or a rape crisis center for the names of therapists who’ve worked with sex abuse survivors. It’s also okay to make trial appointments with two or three and see which one is the best fit.

Should I confront the abuser?

Counseling can be particularly helpful if the person who abused or harassed you has resurfaced or is somehow still a part of your life. A therapist can help you work out whether you want to call out this person’s behavior. Just remember, there’s no single right answer—unless you believe that someone else, especially a child, is in danger. Then it’s your responsibility to do whatever is necessary, including calling the police, to avert future abuse.

Choosing to confront an abuser depends on your emotional strength, what you want to accomplish, who is involved (including how cooperative and safe they are) and what you expect to gain. The best scenario is to confront the person with the guidance, and presence of a trained professional. When therapists facilitate such conversations, they can help you prepare well and move the discussion along to a resolution. But if that’s not possible, it may be appropriate to enlist a supportive friend to be there. Remember, confrontations are not always necessary or advised. As an alternative, you may decide to confront your abuser through a letter or a phone call or an email. These, too, are best accomplished with a therapist’s guidance. Focus on the power of asserting your truth, rather than on making the success of the interaction whether or not you receive a specific response.

Figure out beforehand how you’ll handle your abuser’s reaction. Many offenders will deny the extent of the abuse, minimize it or blame the survivor in some way. And all of that can be really upsetting, so you want to be emotionally prepared and supported.

Healing our culture

Finally, it’s important to realize that sexual violence is a cultural problem. I challenge anyone to turn on the TV and not find a program on some channel where a woman has been or is about to be sexually intimidated in some form. Sex aggression against women is a common feature in popular pornography, as well. It’s become entertainment, and we’ve become desensitized to it.

We can’t keep role modeling negative behaviors and expect change or expect the victims to mop up the mess. Instead, we must change our behavior in terms of what we tolerate in media and as bystanders. When something that is meant “as a joke” is demeaning, say so. When you see abuse, call it out—if necessary, to the authorities.

It’s heart-warming to see that the hashtag movement is already having an encouraging impact. In response to #MeToo, some men are tweeting #HowIWillChange.

__________

This article is based on an interview with Wendy Maltz LCSW, DST. It was first published by BottomLine Inc. on October 26, 2017 and is available online at: https://bottomlineinc.com/health/mental-health/me-too-painful-sexual-memories-abuse-help

Sanar después del abuso sexual

Posted on March 21, 2022 by Wendy Maltz - Sexual Abuse Healing

“Odio el sexo. Se siente como una invasión a mí y a mi cuerpo por alguien más. La vida sería genial si nadie esperara que yo tuviera actividad sexual de nuevo.” – Tina, violada de niña por su padre

“Mi pene y mi corazón se sienten desconectados. Yo uso el sexo como una forma de borrar mi dolor cuando me siento deprimido. La masturbación es mucho más fácil que el tener sexo con mi esposa. A ella le gusta mucho el besar y abrazar pero a mí me parece incómodo con tanta cercanía.” – Jack, de adolescente víctima de abuso por un vecino

De la misma manera que Tina y Jack, muchos sobrevivientes de abuso sexual sufren de una variedad de problemas sexuales. Y no resulta sorprendente. El abuso sexual no sólo es la traición de la confianza y afecto humano; es por definición un ataque a la sexualidad de una persona.

Nuestra sexualidad es el aspecto más privado e íntimo de quienes somos. Nuestra sexualidad incluye el cómo nos sentimos ya sea como hombres o mujeres, y qué tan confortables nos sentimos con nuestro cuerpo, nuestros genitales, y nuestros pensamientos, expresiones y relaciones sexuales.

Cuando uno es víctima de abuso sexual –ya fuera una seducción ligera (por parte de un pariente querido, o una violación violenta por un desconocido – la visión y experiencia de tu sexualidad resulta afectada por lo que te ocurrió.

Las buenas noticias es que ahora tenemos una serie de técnicas efectivas de saneamiento que ayudan a los sobrevivientes superar las repercusiones causadas por el abuso.

¿Cuáles son los problemas causados por el abuso sexual?

Los diez síntomas más comunes de abuso sexual son:

evitar o temer el sexo
ver al sexo como una obligación
experimentar sentimientos negativos tales como enojo, disgusto o culpabilidad con el contacto
tener dificultad para sentir deseo sexual
sentirse emocionalmente distante o no presente durante el sexo
experimentar pensamientos o imágenes perturbadoras
participar en comportamientos sexuales compulsivos o inapropiados
tener dificultad en establecer o mantener una relación íntima
experimentar dolor vaginal o dificultades para experimentar el orgasmo
experimentar dificultades en la erección o en la eyaculación.

¿Qué es la sanación sexual?

La sanación sexual es un proceso de empoderamiento en el cual restauras tu sexualidad como algo positivo y placentero. Involucra el uso de estrategias y técnicas especiales de sanación para poder cambiar activamente las actitudes y comportamientos que resultaron del abuso. El proceso de sanación sexual generalmente incluye: el adquirir un entendimiento profundo de lo que ocurrió y de cómo influyó en tu sexualidad, incrementar tu autopercepción del cuerpo, desarrollar un sentido positivo de tu sexualidad, aprender nuevas habilidades para experimentar el contacto sexual que afirma la vida de una manera compartida y sana.

El conseguir la sanación sexual puede tomar de unos meses a unos años, o quizá más. Se le considera un trabajo de recuperación avanzada y por lo tanto es preferible que se lleve a cabo después de que la persona sobreviviente tenga una vida estable y segura y haya atendido los efectos más generales del abuso sexual tales como depresión, ira, auto incriminación, preocupaciones y pérdida de confianza.

Existen diferentes niveles de trabajo en sanación sexual que la persona sobreviviente puede tomar; desde simples lecturas acerca de la recuperación hasta involucrarse en una serie de ejercicios progresivos llamados “técnicas para re-aprender el acercamiento físico.” Estos ejercicios generan oportunidades para practicar una nueva forma de aproximarse al contacto íntimo. Mientras que algunas personas sobrevivientes son capaces de progresar en la sanación sexual por su cuenta, otras encuentran que les resulta esencial alistarse en un programa de guía y apoyo por un profesional de la salud mental. Este cuidado profesional se recomienda porque existe una gran probabilidad de que la sanación sexual despierte emociones y recuerdos traumáticos.

No necesitas estar en una relación sentimental para hacer trabajo de sanación sexual. Algunos ejercicios están diseñados para sobrevivientes que viven sin compañía. Sin embargo, si tienes una pareja, hace falta que tu pareja se eduque acerca de las repercusiones sexuales del abuso y de las estrategias para participar activa y efectivamente en el proceso de sanación.

Aquí hay unas ideas de cómo iniciar la sanación sexual:

1. Aprender lo que es una sexualidad sana

El primer paso en la sanación sexual es aprender a distiguir entre el sexo abusivo y el sexo sano. Si normalmente usas palabras como “malo,” “sucio,” “abrumador,” “atemorizante,” “doloroso,” o “secreto” para describir la práctica sexual, es necesario que reconozcas que estas palabras describen al “sexo abusivo”. El sexo sano es algo muy diferente. Se caracteriza por las palabras como opción, consentimiento, igualdad, respeto, honestidad, confianza, seguridad, intimidad y placer sensual.

En libros y películas que prefieras, procura que la exposición a imágenes de sexo abusivo sea mínima y por el contrario que se aumente la entrada a ejemplos de sexo en las cuales las parejas son responsables y expresan su amor y cariño mutuamente.

2. Separa tu auto-imagen de lo que te hicieron

Todos nacemos inocentes sexualmente hablando. Por causa del abuso sexual o del subsiguiente comportamiento sexual, puedes creer erróneamente que, sexualmente eres una mala persona, un producto dañado e irreparable, o simplemente un objeto sexual para el uso de otra persona.

Deja que el pasado sea el pasado y date un futuro sexualmente saludable. No estás atrapada/o en las etiquetas negativas que la persona ofensora te haya llamado o en la forma en que tú te veías a ti mismo/a como resultado del abuso. Ahora tú puedes hacer una elección y puedes reafirmar tu verdadera personalidad con otras personas. Las viejas etiquetas desaparecerán si tú dejas de creer en ellas y dejas de actuar en formas que las refuercen.

3. Detén comportamientos sexuales que sean parte del problema

No podrás construir una nueva base de sexo saludable si no te liberas de comportamientos sexuales que puedan debilitar la sanación. Los comportamientos sexuales que típicamente deben eliminarse incluyen: tener sexo cuando no estás dispuesta/o, sexo no seguro o riesgoso, encuentros extramaritales, sexo promiscuo, sexo violento o degradante, sexo compulsivo e involucrarse en fantasías sexuales abusivas. Si no lo puedes lograr por ti misma/o, pide ayuda a un programa de 12 pasos u otro programa de apoyo. Lleva tiempo romper hábitos y canalizar la energía sexual en formas que nutran tanto al cuerpo como al alma.

4. Aprende a manejar reacciones automáticas al contacto

Muchas personas sobrevivientes encuentran reacciones automáticas desagradables al contacto físico y al sexo, tales como: regresiones al evento del abuso, pensamientos fugaces sobre la persona abusiva, reacciones inusuales a algo que la pareja sexual dice o hace mientras se hace el amor. Mientras que estas reacciones son comunes, inevitables, e incluso formas de protección resultados del trauma, después de algunos años pueden convertirse en obstáculos para disfrutar plenamente de la actividad sexual. Al desarrollar entendimiento y paciencia tú puedes aprender a manejar estas reacciones eficazmente.

Cuando experimentas una reacción no deseada al contacto físico, haz un alto y sé más consciente de la reacción. Luego cálmate físicamente con respiración profunda, auto-masaje y técnicas de relajación. Tan pronto puedas, reafirma tu realidad presente al reafirmar quién eres ahora y saber que tienes opciones. También puedes querer alterar la actividad de alguna forma para hacerla más placentera. Las reacciones automáticas pueden disminuir con el tiempo en la medida que te sientas más atenta/o y receptiva/o a ellas.

5. Familiarízate con técnicas de contacto físico

Puedes usar técnicas de contacto físico para ayudarte a re-aprender el contacto íntimo en una forma segura y relajada. A diferencia de las técnicas tradicionales de terapia sexual (que pueden resultar abrumadoras para personas sobrevivientes), las técnicas para “re-aprender el contacto íntimo” proporcionan una gama de ejercicios a elegir en la medida que sientas que es el momento adecuado. Puedes hacer algunos ejercicios de contacto físico en forma individual mientras que otros requieren la participación de una pareja. (Descripciones detalladas de los ejercicios se pueden encontrar en el libro de Wendy, El viaje para sanar la sexualidad, y en el video “Re-aprendiendo el contacto físico” (Relearning Touch) —para verlos gratis haga un Click Aquí.

Estos ejercicios te ayudan a desarrollar habilidades tales como: sentirse relajada/o al contacto físico, respirar en forma descansada, enfocarse en el presente, comunicarse con la pareja sexual, divertirse, expresar y recibir amor a través del contacto físico. Los ejercicios son progresivos y siguen una secuencia partiendo de algo juguetón, de contacto no sexual a contacto sensual, hasta actividades placenteras de contacto. Cuando sea necesario, puedes identificar y resolver problemas sexuales específicos, tales como dificultades en la erección o para lograr un orgasmo, modificando terapias sexuales tradicionales para utilizar las habilidades adquiridas al re-aprender el contacto físico.

Puedes reparar el daño hecho en el pasado. Puedes esperar y ver con gusto una nueva oleada de auto-respeto y paz personal tanto como intimidad emocional. Cuando recuperas tu sexualidad, recuperas a tu persona.

Para la versión en inglés de este articulo (Sexual Healing from Sexual Abuse), haga un Click Aquí

Para más recursos de sanación de abuso sexual en español, haga un Click Aquí

Sexual Healing from Sexual Abuse

Posted on March 21, 2022 by Wendy Maltz - Sexual Abuse Healing

“I hate sex. It feels like invasion of myself and my body by someone else. Life would be great if no one ever expected me to be sexual again.” – Tina, raped by her father as a child

“My penis and my heart feel disconnected. I use sex as a way to blot out pain when I’m feeling down. Masturbation is a lot easier than having sex with my wife. She wants a lot of kissing and hugging and I’m uncomfortable with all that closeness.” – Jack, molested by a neighbor as a young teen

Like Tina and Jack, many survivors of sexual abuse suffer from a variety of sexual problems. And it’s no wonder. Sexual abuse is not only a betrayal of human trust and affection, but it is, by definition—an attack on a person’s sexuality.

Our sexuality is the most intimate, private aspect of who we are. Our sexuality has to do with how we feel about being male or female, and how comfortable we are with our body, our genitals, and our sexual thoughts, expressions, and relationships.

When you were sexually abused— whether you suffered a gentle seduction by a loved relative or a violent rape by a stranger— your view and experience of your sexuality were affected by what happened to you.

The good news is that a variety of effective healing techniques now exist to help survivors overcome the sexual repercussions caused by abuse.

What are the sexual problems caused by sexual abuse?

The ten most common sexual symptoms of sexual abuse are:

avoiding or being afraid of sex
approaching sex as an obligation
experiencing negative feelings such as anger, disgust, or guilt with touch
having difficulty becoming aroused or feeling sensation
feeling emotionally distant or not present during sex
experiencing intrusive or disturbing sexual thoughts and images
engaging in compulsive or inappropriate sexual behaviors
experiencing difficulty establishing or maintaining an intimate relationship
experiencing vaginal pain or orgasmic difficulties
experiencing erectile or ejaculatory difficulties

What is sexual healing?

Sexual healing is an empowering process in which you reclaim your sexuality as both positive and pleasurable. It involves using special healing strategies and techniques to actively change sexual attitudes and behaviors which resulted from the abuse. The process of sexual healing often includes: gaining a deeper understanding of what happened and how it influenced your sexuality, increasing your body and self-awareness, developing a positive sense of your sexuality, and learning new skills for experiencing touch and sexual sharing in safe, life-affirming ways.

Sexual healing can take several months to several years, or more, to accomplish. It is considered advanced recovery work and thus, best undertaken only after a survivor is in a stable and safe lifestyle and has addressed more general effects of sexual abuse, such as depression, anger, self-blame, and trust concerns.

There are different levels of sexual healing work that a survivor can pursue; from simply reading about recovery to engaging in a series of progressive exercises, called “relearning touch techniques.” These exercises provide opportunities to practice a new approach to intimate touch. While some survivors are able to progress in sexual healing on their own, others find it essential to enlist the guidance and support of a trained mental health practitioner. Professional care is recommended because of the high possibility that sexual healing will stir up traumatic memories and feelings.

You don’t need to be in a relationship to do sexual healing work. Some exercises are designed for single survivors. However, if you have a partner, your partner needs to become educated about the sexual repercussions of abuse and learn strategies for participating actively and effectively in the healing process.

Here are some ideas for how to get started in sexual healing:

1. Learn about healthy sexuality

The first step in sexual healing is to learn to distinguish abusive type sex from healthy sex. If you commonly use words like, “bad,” “dirty.” “overwhelming,” “frightening,” “hurtful,” and “secretive” to describe sex, you need to realize that these are descriptive of “sexual abuse.” Healthy sexuality is something very different. It is characterized by choice, consent, equality, respect, honesty, trust, safety, intimacy, and sensual enjoyment.

In the books that you read and the movies you watch, decrease your exposure to abusive sex images and increase your exposure to examples of sex in which partners are responsible and express love and caring for each other.

2. See yourself as separate from what was done to you

We are all born sexually innocent. Due to sexual abuse or subsequent sexual behavior, you may erroneously believe that, sexually, you are bad, damaged goods, or merely a sexual object for someone else’s use.

Let the past be past, and give yourself a healthy sexual future. You are not strapped to the negative labels an offender may have called you or to the way you saw yourself as a result of the abuse. Now you have a choice and can assert your true self with others. Old labels will disappear as you stop believing them and stop acting in ways that reinforce them.

3. Stop sexual behaviors that are part of the problem

You can’t build a new foundation for healthy sex until you’ve gotten rid of sexual behaviors that could undermine healing. Sexual behaviors that need to go, typically include: having sex when you don’t want to, unsafe and risky sex, extramarital affairs, promiscuous sex, violent/degrading sex, compulsive sex, and engaging in abusive sexual fantasies. If you can’t do it on your own, seek help from 12-step programs and other supports. It takes time to break old habits and learn how to channel sexual energy in ways that nurture the body as well as the soul.

4. Learn to handle automatic reactions to touch

Many survivors encounter unpleasant automatic reactions to touch and sex, such as flashbacks of the abuse, fleeting thoughts of the offender, or strange reactions to something a sexual partner does or says during lovemaking. While these reactions are common, unavoidable, even protective, results of trauma, years later they can get in the way of enjoying sex. By developing understanding and patience you can learn to handle them effectively.

When you experience an unwanted reaction to touch, stop and become more consciously aware of the reaction. Then calm yourself physically with slow breathing, self-massage, and relaxation techniques. As soon as you can, affirm your present reality by reminding yourself of who you are now and that you have many options. You may also want to alter the activity in some way to make it more comfortable. Automatic reactions will diminish over time you become more aware of and responsive to them.

5. Familiarize yourself with touch techniques

You can use special touch exercises to help you relearn intimate touch in a safe and relaxed way. Different from traditional sex therapy techniques (which can be overwhelming to survivors), the “relearning touch” techniques provide a wide assortment of exercises from which to choose, as you feel ready. You can do some relearning touch exercises on your own, while others require a partner. (Detailed descriptions of the exercises can be found in Wendy’s book, The Sexual Healing Journey, and video, “Relearning Touch” – to watch for free, click here.

These exercises help you develop skills such as: feeling relaxed with touch, breathing comfortably, staying present, communicating with a partner, having fun, and expressing and receiving love through physical contact. The exercises are progressive and follow a sequence from playful, non-sexual touch to sensual, pleasuring touch activities. When necessary, you can address specific sexual problems, such as orgasmic and erectile difficulties, by modifying standard sex therapy techniques using the new skills acquired in relearning touch.

You can repair the damage done to you in the past. You can look forward to a new surge of self-respect, personal contentment, and emotional intimacy. When you reclaim your sexuality, you reclaim yourself.

Watch The Sexual Healing Journey – Book Trailer

What About Self-Pleasuring?

Posted on March 15, 2022 by Lily McAndrews - Sex & Love

“Hey, don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.”
— From the movie Annie Hall

Sexual self-pleasuring is a normal, natural, and healthy sexual activity. We may know it by an endless variety of colorful slang terms, such as jacking off, jilling off, spanking the monkey, flicking the bean, saucing the taco, and choking the chicken – but these nicknames have limited value in describing what it is and how it is done.

People engage in many styles of self-pleasuring. It typically involves manually stimulating one’s own genitals in ways that arouse sexual sensations and feels good. Types of touch include stroking, patting, tugging, rubbing, and more. It’s a behavior done in private or in the presence of a partner. People like to touch themselves dressed or undressed. A wide variety of aids, such as vibrators, dildos, sex toys, massagers, and shower sprayers, may assist. Individuals self-pleasure by tuning into bodily sensations as well as mental imagery. Self-pleasuring may take a brief amount of time or last for extended periods of time. And it doesn’t have to culminate in orgasm to feel good.

A common, beneficial practice

Studies report that the vast majority of human beings of various ages and genders engage in some form of sexual self-pleasuring. Men report masturbating more frequently than women. Common reasons people give for self-pleasuring are that it is fun, enjoyable, and helps them reduce stress and relieve tension.

Self-pleasuring plays an important role in healthy sexual development and self-care. It’s an activity that increases physical awareness and comfort with sexual touch – two factors that can provide a foundation for satisfying sexual experiences with a partner. Masturbation teaches us about our bodies and sexual responses. It provides us opportunities to mentally rehearse initiating sex with a partner. It helps us learn to block out the world and focus on pleasurable sensations. It can even help us develop new sexual fantasies.

Life stages and sexual circumstances change. You can have a sexual partner at one point in your life and not at another. You may be separated from a lover or prefer a single lifestyle. You may have different degrees of sexual interest and desire than a partner. In all these situations and more, self-pleasuring can play an active role in our ability to care for ourselves. It gives us a private, safe, and socially responsible way to respond to our natural, hormonally-driven needs for sexual stimulation and release.

Anyone can benefit from self-pleasuring. Studies show that women who are experienced in self-pleasuring are more reliably and easily orgasmic on their own and with a partner than women who don’t self-pleasure. Self-touch allows girls and women to become aware of and comfortable with their bodies, their genitals, and the types of stimulation they find pleasing and effective in building arousal. In my work as a sex therapist, one of the first questions I used to ask adult women who complained of an inability to orgasm was how much experience they had with self-pleasuring. Nearly all the time, the answer was “none” or “limited.” Impressively, most often these women were able to become orgasmic after following a progressive, months-long program of “at-home” exercises that centered around learning how to explore and arouse themselves.

Women who self-pleasure are more likely to be orgasmic in sex with a partner because it helps them understand and speak up about what they like and need in partnered sex. One study found that women who masturbated reported happier relationships than women who did not. It is not surprising that sex therapists often suggest a woman try self-stimulating before, during, or after intercourse or other sex play with a partner to help achieve orgasms with a partner. While partners can learn how a woman likes to be touched genitally, there may be times when it’s easiest and most effective for the woman to take a more active hand in her own pleasure.

Boys and men also benefit from the learning acquired through self-stimulation. It enables them to identify what types of stimulation they enjoy most and how their bodies respond to different types and pressures of erotic touch. This knowledge can be critical for males who want to gain more control over their sexual response and to extend the time it takes for them to climax. Lasting longer can heighten sexual pleasure for men themselves as well as for their partner. As with women, sex therapy techniques that treat male sexual problems such as premature ejaculation (coming quickly), erectile difficulty (getting and maintaining an erection), and delayed ejaculation (difficulty climaxing), consist of progressive exercises that build awareness and new skills through self-touch.

Couples also benefit when both partners feel comfortable with self-touching. Mutual masturbation practices such as self-pleasuring in each other’s presence and being affectionate with each other during or after one partner masturbates offer healthy alternatives to standard sexual practices. Self-pleasuring alone and with a partner provides novelty and variety. These practices come in handy as a way to maintain closeness and sexual release satisfaction during times when intercourse or other types of direct interaction are not possible or desired. For example, self-pleasuring can be enjoyed during periods of recovery post-pregnancy, post-surgery, and times of separation.

Ridiculous myths

Many wild and crazy myths surround sexual self-pleasuring. Historically, masturbation has been associated with causing blindness, hairy palms, erectile difficulty and dysfunction, penis shrinkage or curvature, infertility, mental illness, marital dissatisfaction, and physical weakness. None of these are true.

Masturbation is a subject riddled with old negative social and religious messages and misinformation. In some religious circles, masturbation is still referenced as “a taboo,” “a perversion,” “a sin of self-abuse” and “morally bad.” These kinds of pervasive, negative cultural messages can leave people feeling guilt, shame, and fear about the behavior. Fortunately, in recent years societal views about masturbation have shifted towards greater acceptance. As a client once told me, “If God didn’t want us to masturbate, he wouldn’t have made our hands able to touch our genitals.”

A few healthy precautions

Self-pleasuring is like other enjoyable human behaviors such as eating, drinking, and sunbathing. It has natural limits and societal boundaries that need to be honored to avoid negative consequences. We can harm ourselves when we do any of these highly pleasurable activities too much, too intensely, and for too long. And, you wouldn’t want to be caught masturbating in a public place, for example. From time to time, you may want to ask yourself questions such as: Under what circumstances am I self-pleasuring? How is it impacting me and my life? What is it reinforcing sexually and how do I feel about that?

People often become concerned about their masturbation when it

Leaves them feeling bad about themselves
Feels compulsive or out of control
Is causing physical harm (such as chafing, soreness, swelling) or injury
Feels tied to unwanted sexual fantasies or upsetting explicit materials
Interferes with daily life and meeting responsibilities at work, school, or in the family
Is preferred over sex with a partner or future partner
Creates problems in an intimate relationship
Has become dependent on a product or device (such as pornography or a sex toy)
Is desensitizing their genitals and reducing sexual responsiveness
Conflicts with spiritual goals and beliefs

Everyone can benefit from this natural, normal, self-pleasuring human activity. With accurate information, you can make wise decisions about how, when, and under what circumstances to enjoy it. You can overcome harmful messages and move beyond unnecessary feelings of guilt. Accurate information enables us to develop a psychologically healthy, socially responsible, deeply rewarding, guilt-free approach to all forms of sexual expression.